Cap’n Ken’s Homespun Wisdom

Well, it”s good to see Jessica Pivik is taking the journalism advice of The Cap”n.

In this week”s wonderful article on “jelqing”, Jessica gives full attribution to all of her Googled “sources”. Well done.

But she writes about the “jelqing” technique with what appears to be first-hand (so to speak) knowledge. I”d imagine she lifted the details of the process from Google, but what if she really is writing from personal knowledge?

This might explain her obsession with the wilder aspects of sexual behavior.

Has Jessica spent significant time with shorties? Did she, in desperation, jelq some poor Bishop Sullivan boy to the brink of disaster back in high school? And has she created this “On Top” persona out of the shame springing from this string of shorties?

That”s right. Hard-working, steadfast Ohioans can”t get enough of the cornhole.

In fact, the cornhole craze is catching on across America.

Looking to get into cornhole? a Google Search is a good place to start.

And if you want to see some folks enjoying cornhole, a Google Image Search can be quite helpful.

IMPORTANT NOTE: This link will launch a Google Images “safe search on” result set. The link below will launch a Google Images “safe search off” result set. I don”t care who you are, where you work or what you do for a living - do not, under any circumstances, click the link below on your work PC. In fact, you may not want to click the link below from any PC, anywhere.

More cornhole images.

The wife and I braved a swarm of costumed, underage, commercial radio listeners last night in order to see Jet live. The dirty Aussie lads have played precious few gigs in the U.S. this year, so the 99X Halloween show was our only sure shot to see them.

If you don”t know Jet - they are some serious rockin” mofos. And herein lies my problem with the show last night. Somebody turned down the volume.

We were standing about 10 yards from a serious speaker stack, but we were not rocked. It was more like being at an American Bandstand taping than a rock-n-roll show.

In my mind, there are some basic truths of live rock-n-roll (I”m talking real rock. Green Day, not Ashlee Simpson for you radio fans):

• Standing right next to a speaker stack will be uncomfortable for all but the most hardcore fans.

• Sensitive ponytail guys (OK, not many sensitive men have ponytails anymore, but you know who I”m talking about) will use the foam earplugs they carry around when they see live music.

• At least one pair of young girls who start the show near the stage will head quickly toward the back with their hands over their ears.

• When the bass player pounds hard on a naked E, your teeth will rattle.

• When the singer screams, it will hurt you.

• If the band happens to have a song most of the audience knows, never will the audience singing be heard over the band.

• When you leave the show, your ears are ringing.

• When you wake up the next morning, your ears are ringing.

None of this was true of the show last night. And these truths should apply to Jet, and to The Donnas, who opened up for them.

So what”s the deal? I have a couple of theories:

• Either the station or the venue (The Tabernacle) is worried about lawsuits for damaged hearing, especially with an all-ages show.

• Like most things in America today, modern-day mass-market live “rock” is a wussified version of what it used to be. In other words, most people who go to these shows want the volume turned down.

• Maybe the sound just sucked.

I don”t know the answer, and fortunately Jet is a very rare example of a popular band I”d actually want to see live.

But last night”s show makes me hope Rocket From The Crypt gets back on the road soon. After their Echo Lounge show a couple of years ago, I couldn”t hear myself think for a month.

The wife and I busted the seal on Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas last night, and as she mentioned, Lieberman is going to freak.

With about two hours of gameplay under my belt, I”ve discovered the following:

• The dialogue (Samuel Jackson is among the voice talent) goes way out of its way to drop F-bombs whenever possible.

• The soundtrack features every rap song ever released that has F-bombs in it.

• It”s much easier and more fun to kill people in San Andreas.

• A “pimping” mission has been added.

• Hidden in the bathroom of one of the police stations is a huge, purple, two-headed dildo.

So here”s my prediction - after the election is done (which could be mid-December considering this “provisional ballot” nonsense), Lieberman will come down hard on the language and violence, and Jesse Jackson will decry the portrayal of African-Americans in the game.

And it”ll sell twice as many copies as Vice City.

So there”s this new CDC study out today that compares the average height and weight of Americans in 1960 to those in 2002.

Of course, Americans are much fatter and only a little taller now. But here”s the stat that really floored me:

The average American woman is 5″4″ and weighs 164 pounds.

Damn! Since when did Star Jones become the standard-issue American woman?

I know you ladies all weigh more than it looks like you do. And 164 pounds isn”t really “big” if you”re like 5″7″ or taller. What matters is how you carry the weight, not the number of pounds you”re displacing. And constantly seeing models who are 5″10″ and weigh 125 pounds makes you all think you”re fat.

But 5″4″, 164 is the average? That”s wild.

[editor"s note: Cap"n Ken does not actually think you girls are fat. The sensational headline on this piece is intended solely to sell more papers.]

Back up the U-Haul, friend. The Wisdom is moving.

That”s right. The Wisdom has a new home:

http://www.capnken.com/wisdom

Why the move? Well … why not? I”ve got a better chance of achieving my goal of world domination if I”m publishing at my own URL, right?

You”ll notice that The New Wisdom is living under its own directory (/wisdom/), so you would be correct to infer that capnken.com may eventually host more than just The Wisdom. What else might that be? Dunno, exactly, but it gives me room to play.

So what, loyal Wisdom reader, does this move mean to you?

Well, first of all, it means you should start reading The Wisdom at http://www.capnken.com/wisdom. The entire Wisdom archive is mirrored there now, and during this transitional period, I”ll be posting everything in both places.

If you feel moved to comment on a post, I”d recommend commenting at the new place, as ultimately the old site comments will disappear.

Second, if you monitor The Wisdom”s RSS feed (and you should), the new feed is http://feeds.feedburner.com/wisdom. So update that in your RSS reader.

Third, if you are kind enough to link to The Wisdom, please update your link to http://www.capnken.com/wisdom.

I don”t have a specific timetable for killing The Wisdom”s Blogger site, as I hope to ramp up links to the new home before I cut off the gravy train of Pivik and Charmin Bear traffic here. But I”ll continue to remind y”all of the move and give subtle little hints (like removing comments) for those of you who continue to hang around.

Thank you for your continued support.