Cap’n Ken’s Homespun Wisdom

Seems Pope John Paul II may be nearing the end of the road here on Earth:

More concern about Pope”s health

One of the Vatican Cardinals was quoted as saying: “He is in a bad way. We should pray for the pope.”

I”m not much for Catholic prayer, so how about a cheer instead?

Go, Pope, Go!
Die! Die! Die!
You can do it!!!

No, I don”t really want the Pope to die. Apart from Carol Channing and radical Muslims, I don”t really want anybody to die.

But shouldn”t Catholics be rooting for the Pope to kick it? In fact, shouldn”t the Christian desire for all good Christians be that they die as soon as possible?

The whole Christian experience is built on the idea that life here on Earth prepares you for eternal life, which for proper Christians is a swell gig. Heaven is the ultimate goal.

And it”s standard practice at Christian funerals for the minister to talk about how the dead person is “at Jesus” side”, “in a better place”, “starting his life of eternal joy”, etc.

Once somebody dies, it”s an easy comfort mechanism to say it”s a good thing for them that they are dead. Sure, it”s painful for us left behind, but he happy for Mr. Dead Guy, who”s having brunch with Jesus as we speak.

So if dying is a good thing if you”re a right and proper Christian, we should hope Christian folk die as soon as possible. No suicides, of course. Jesus don”t like that.

Seems pretty logical. Of course, logic and Christianity do not work very well together.

But here we have the Pope. Obviously a good Catholic, 83 years old, suffering through Parkinson”s and maybe cancer … and that nagging ache from being shot in the gut 22 years ago.

Even if there is no afterlife, a peaceful death would not be a tragedy for J.P. at this point.

And if there is a heaven, he”s got a first-class ticket. He”s paid his dues as a Christian; he”s old, and he”s suffering.

It probably won”t count, because I”m not a Catholic, but I have posted a prayer request for the Pope, and I encourage you to do the same.

OK, I don”t try to be completely anti-”Christian” here, these things just seem to find me. Case in point: I was looking at LSU”s official site today to see whether a big Tiger freshman - QB JaMarcus Russell - is active, redshirted, or whatever.

So I find his profile page (which is not particularly helpful), and at the bottom there”s a really insightful - i.e. “what”s your favorite video game of all time?” - Q&A with young JaMarcus.

Among the Qs and As:

What is your favorite book?: The Bible
What is your favorite place to visit? Church
If you could meet any one person, living or dead, who would it be? Jesus and Martin Luther King

What a fine, young “Christian” man. Apart from apparently not realizing that Jesus and MLK are, in fact, two people, he sure has a fine, “Christian” heart, doesn”t he?

Elsewhere in the Qs and As:

What is your favorite musical group or artist? R-Kelly
Who is your favorite actor? Martin Lawrence
What is your favorite movie? Run Tel Dat
What CD is in your CD player right now? Young Rollas

R Kelly, of course, is currently facing a total of 33 counts of child pornography in two states for his alleged fondness for videotaping sex acts involving himself and teenage girls. And some - but not all - of his CDs carry Tipper Gore”s “Explicit Lyrics” label.

Martin Lawrence (who”s work includes JaMarcus” favorite movie, correctly titled “runteldat”), is known for his profanity and sex-charged standup routine.

The Amazon.com review of runteldat states “This is surely the dirtiest comedy performance ever released to the general public, but beneath his barrage of profanity, crudeness, and unabashed sexual material, Lawrence gets into some serious truth about life”s trials and tribulations …”

JaMarcus must have misspelled the act he refers to as “Young Rollas”, because Googling that only returns his profile page from the LSU site (and, soon, Cap”n Ken). I”ll assume he”s referring to some underground hip-hop act.

I have no problem with R Kelly (at least until his trials wrap up), Martin Lawrence, foul language, hip-hop, wild sex, crudeness or vulgarity. In fact, apart from hip-hop (I”m a white guy, after all), I endorse all of the above (maybe not the underage videotaped sex, though).

What I do have a problem with are bold pronouncements by “Christians” such as JaMarcus about how much they love Jesus, how important church is, etc. when their real lifestyle completely contradicts all the Jesus talk.

If you love Jesus so gosh-darn much, should your favorite movie be “the dirtiest comedy performance ever released to the general public”?

Ask yourself, JaMarcus, What Would Jesus Watch?

I got home last night to find a flyer in the kitchen door from a “hood Realtor. Seems the “For Sale By Owner” sign in our yard attracts enterprising agents looking for business. Can”t knock the effort, although the best opportunity marketing I have encountered was the mortgage broker who tried to give me his card at Lowe”s as I was walking out with the aforementioned For Sale sign.

Nothing really surprising in the flyer - it talks about why a Realtor is better than FSBO (for the record, I doubt we”ll end up selling it without a Realtor, but no harm in throwing the sign up while we still have 60 days to live there). But what got me was the agent”s URL:

www.ChristianRealtor.org

Now, I tend to share Ted Turner”s view about Christianity, but I”m not about to knock someone”s faith. Whatever - sort of gunning down people in the name of Jesus - works for you, man.

However, I find something really disgusting about businesses that throw their “Christianity” around as a marketing tool.

If you visit ChristianRealtor.org, there”s no mention of Shontel”s deep faith in Jesus, her devotion to God or anything like that. Her “about me” section tells the heart-warming story about how she made an assload of money flipping a “hood house and decided realty sales was for her. Yet she chose ChristianRealtor.org as her URL. Subtle, Shontel, subtle.

I Googled [+christian +businesses] and came up with ChristianDirectory.info, which lists all sorts of “Christian” enterprises.

Among my favorites:

• Sherry Miller”s Golden Chair - a beauty salon in New Jersey where “We believe in enhancing the natural beauty that God gave to each individual.” Here”s what Sherry has done to one New Jersey family (maybe even her own):
[photo removed]

• Pfundt Motor Company - a highly religious used-car lot in Oklahoma. The Lord giveth Lincoln Towncars - and they”re priced to move!