Cap’n Ken’s Homespun Wisdom

First off, let me say that I do not receive any compensation for my extensive list of endorsements appearing in the right rail of Cap”n Ken”s (although I”d sure like to … T.L., your sister should send me some jambalaya).

And among the products endorsed by the Cap”n until now was Britney Spears. Britney”s a Louisiana girl (Kentwood, no less) and - in my estimation - is pretty damn cute. Not yet a woman? Come on. That”s the ass and tits of a woman, friends.

[note to loyal readers: the above mention of "ass" and "tits" alongside Britney Spears is merely a ploy to get more search engine traffic to Cap"n Ken"s.]

Anyhow, I decided sometime over the weekend, after watching parts of that horrible NFL kickoff concert thing (thank you once again, PVR), that Brit is officially over, and I now withdraw my endorsement.

At the risk of referencing one of the most over-referenced phrases of the 21st century, with the NFL thing and that ridiculous tongue swapping episode with Madonna on the MTV VMA awards, Britney has “jumped the shark“.

Struggling to remain relevant in a pop music world that moves faster than white people in the Country Club of Louisiana when Master P buys another house for his crew there, Britney pulled out some weak-ass J. Lo routine for the NFL gig. It was bad, and I think the end of the line is near for young Britney.

I”ve been to Kentwood (the ex-wife”s alcoholic father”s second - of three [and counting] - wife was from there). For anybody from Kentwood to make anything of themselves, much less become a world-reknown multimillionaire pop princess, is quite an accomplishment.

So congrats on that, Britney. Enjoy your money, your homes, and see if you can create a career for your little sister.

And please hang on a while longer. If you stop being a “celebrity,” I”ll have to take you off my list of celebrity women I can screw without the wife getting pissed.

We had a great time Saturday down in Hawkinsville at the Miss Georgia Prisons 2003 pageant. The staff at Pulaski State Prison really pulled together a great event. Next year the pageant comes to East Atlanta (Metro State Prison), so mark your calendars for July 24.

The show didn”t get a lot of play in the Atlanta press (The Hawkinsville Dispatch-Union ran a nice two-page spread), but I think the finalists deserve some recognition.

If you don”t know, contestants - who must be between 18 and 24 - are judged on four criteria:

1) Looks
2) Talent
3) Offenses
4) Scars, marks, tattoos

Finishing as 4th runner-up (5th place overall), was Lashay Adams.

Lashay is 23 and is 5 years into a life sentence for murder at Pulaski. She”s 5″8″, 145 pounds. Lashay has a discolored abdomen, but no other scars or tattoos.

Personally, I was surprised that Lashay finished top 10, much less top 5. Her “talent” was interpretive dance. Enough said there. Sure, she”s a murderer, and the judges are always swayed by blonde hair and belly rashes, but I just don”t see it.

3rd runner-up was Serena Cochran.

Serena is 22 and is 4 years into a 10-year term for robbery and theft by taking at Washington State. She”s 5″2″, 125 pounds. She has scars on her right hand, abdomen, left leg and right leg, as well as a medium-sized tattoo on her left ankle.

I think this “retro” thing has gotten a bit out of hand. Selena was born in 1981, so how come her hairstyle is from 1980? At the pageant, she had the Olivia Newton-John thing working; even sang “Physical” as her talent. A bit much for me. Nice scars, though - well balanced.

2nd runner-up was Frankie Menefee.

Frankie is just 18 years old and is a year into her 6-year gig for robbery and aggravated assault at Metro State. She”s 5″3″, 133 pounds. She sports a scar on the left side of her face, but no discolorations or tattoos.

Frankie rocks! She was Diva Supreme Saturday night. She managed to pull off a solo-version of Lady Marmalade that sounded just like Christina, Lil Kim and all those girls. She”s also a local girl, having pulled her crimes in DeKalb County, so I was really pulling for her. But she”s only 18 and hopefully won”t be released before next year”s pageant, so I think she”ll have the home-cell advantage when the show comes to Metro.

1st runner-up was Ashley Scarborough.

Ashley is 20 years old and is just 6 weeks into a 5-year stint at Metro for drug charges. She”s 5″2″, 126 pounds and has small tattoos on her left ankle and right arm, and a medium-sized tat on her left shoulder. The tattoos are nicely complemented by the scar and discoloration on the left side of her body.

Ashley”s take on Britney Spears” “I”m a Slave 4 U” really got the crowd rocking (especially 2nd runner-up and fellow Metro inmate Frankie, who I think was taking Ashley”s performance somewhat literally), and she scored big points on talent. Folks I talked to in the crowd thought Ashley”s less-than-impressive drug charges would hurt her, but turns out her “misc. misdemeanor” charge involved lewd behavior with a Coke bottle, and the judges loved that.

Miss Georgia Prisons 2003
Jessica Juanita Cates

Jessie is 20 years old and is 2 months into an 18-year gig at Metro for burglary and related crimes. She”s 5″5″, 165 pounds with scars on both arms and tattoos on her neck and left wrist.

Wow, who”d have thought that? Jessie Cates? Not exactly the best-looking gal in the bunch, and her Eminem act was pretty weak if you ask me. But she rose to the top on the strength of her record. Burglary, Conspiracy and “Concealing Death of Another”. Powerful. The buzz among the judges was that her arm scars were self-inflicted, and nothing wows a crowd like a neck tattoo.

So congratulations Jessie, and congratulations to all the girls who entered this year. You”re all winners (except for the being-in-prison thing) in my book.

Does LSU football coach Nick Saban know something we don”t?

In my continuing preparation for Fightin” Tiger football season (54 days and counting), I visited www.nicksaban.net this evening to see what”s new on the coach”s site. One of the things I wanted to check out was the new crop of Recruiting Whores he”d lined up to show prospects around campus this fall.

A school”s whores are key members of the recruiting team. It”s all fine and good to show off the weight room, academic center and packed football stadium when a kid visits, but not offering up some quality tail to a hot recruit is like not wearing a tie to a job interview.

Ever wonder how Arizona State is competitive in football? Check out the Sun Devil Recruiters. Hell, even Georgia Tech can scare up a few good looking girls among the student body for the Solid Gold when football is on the line.

So the lineup of Recruiting Whores is a good leading indicator for recruiting. Thankfull, LSU posts individual pictures of their whores - officially known as “Tiger Pride” - for those of us who follow recruiting closely.

For 2003-04 we”ve got:

Jennifer Russell

Kimmy Dao

Megan Irby

Mallory Lafargue

… and many other fine whores as well.

I”m thinking things are looking pretty good for the Class of 2004.

Then I notice something.

New members of Tiger Pride include:

Dustin Davis

and Daniel Nunes

To say the least, these are not your typical recruiting whores!

It could be that Dustin is just a mop-headed freak, but that Nunes kid is absolutely gay. So does this mean there”s a couple of homosexual fellas among our potential recruits this year? Saban is nothing if not a top-notch recruiter, so there has to be something behind the addition of Dustin and Daniel to the lineup of whores.

Don”t think it”s some kind of PC change prompted by pressure to stop having whores escort recruits around. This is Louisiana, after all. All LSU has to offer kids is booze and sex.

So I”ll keep an eye out on the recruiting list this fall. If we end up signing a high-profile placekicker or punter, I”ll know why.