Why is Jessica shaking her ass at me?

Maybe I”m wrong, but I don”t want Jessica Simpson to shake her ass at me.

She does this with abandon in her These Boots Are Made For Walking video (keep it playing until she washes the General Lee – and, no, that”s not a euphemism).

To the extent – which is not much – that I enjoy watching girls in bikinis shake their asses at me, this is not at all what I want from Jessica. The Jessica Simpson Product is sexy but sweet. She looks her hottest in the opening of Newlyweds where she”s wearing her little green shawl and looks all pooped trying to stir things up in her mixing bowl.

That product works. The familiar Jessica Simpson Product is so well made that I even believe her tits are real!

That”s the product you”ve sold me, Mass Media Machine, and that”s the Jessica Simpson Product I want. It appears to be selling well, and it seemed natural to extend it to the Daisy Duke character – the sexy but downhome country girl – so why are you messing with it? Have you never heard of New Coke?

I don”t want the Jessica Simpson Product to “sing” in that breathless faux-singing style of Britney Spears. I don”t want the Jessica Simpson Product to look like a slut. And although I love the whole “blonde on dark” hair thing, I want the Jessica Simpson Product to have good-girl monotone blonde hair that looks best in a ponytail.

If I want an Ass-Shaking Blonde White Slut Girl Singing Breathlessly Product I”ll buy a Britney video.

[editor"s note: hopefully the Mass Media Machine will realize that the Britney product doesn"t work well as the White-Trash Kentwood Girl Revealing "Her Truth" Product - the Britney Product is all about the false image, not her "truth".]

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