Coffee-mate Half and Half: A Rant

So Coffee-mate has started making actual half and half in addition to their standard line of fake creamers.

To the makers of Coffee-mate, I say – simply – fuck you.

For the past 45 years, you”ve worked tirelessly to replace pure dairy half and half with that hideous concoction of “corn syrup solids” you created in a lab somewhere. It”s because of you that it”s hard to get actual half and half for coffee at convenience stores, fast-food restaurants, hotel rooms and in the break rooms of lesser companies (such as TWMBIC).

But now – with more people wanting good coffee – you”ve decided you need those of us who prefer cow juice to corn powder and figure you”ll muscle your way into the half and half market with your pretty blue bottles and big Carnation logo.

Again, fuck you.

I saw your new half and half in the Kroger dairy case tonight, just a couple of slots down from my usual Land “O Lakes Gourmet Half & Half. It was on sale for 40 cents a quart less than Land “O Lakes.

I bought two cartons of Land “O Lakes; happy to give that extra 80 cents to the company that – rather than work to destroy convenient cream – gave the world Mini Moos.

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