Cap’n Ken’s Homespun Wisdom

CNN has been giving play this morning to a story slugged Cigarette makers targeted women which contains the shocking fact that tobacco companies “designed cigarettes to appeal to women”s desires to be thin and healthy.”

This strategy led to the development of “slim” smokes as well as emphasis on “light” brands in the hopes of selling more packs to the ladies.

Damn you, cigarette companies, for daring to look for ways to sell products to women based on a false association with being thin and healthy!

How dare you market a legal product by preying on the vanity of American women? Shameless!

I”m glad, as a public service, CNN is reporting this story on air and at cnn.com. And, hey, on the same page American women can also learn about Oprah”s Weight Loss Secret!.

Not only have I painstakingly recreated the unique and fabulous “Hatch” look of The Wisdom for those of you (me) who prefer a cool design, but I”ve also enabled those of you (everyone else) who”d rather have a more boring look for your Wisdom to choose one of four other, more standard, designs.

In the left rail, you”ll now see a “Pick Your Poison” menu. Pick something from that pulldown for a fabulously boring view of The Wisdom - if you so choose.

You”re welcome.

Most of (the several of) you probably missed The Wisdom outage today. Long story short - somehow The Wisdom database got hosed.

Fortunately, I was able to salvage and rebuild all my entries. Unfortunately my super-cool Hatch Show Print-based design is kaput for now, and I don”t feel like working on it right now.

So that begs the question - who liked the Hatch look and who thinks plain and simple is a better way to go?

In my mind, football season starts when the pre-season “annuals” from Athlon and Lindy”s come out. And that time is drawing near.

And for the 37th year in a row, LSU has made the Athlon cover!

You know, there was a time - as a young, innocent boy on the bayou - that I actually thought “making the cover” of these things meant something. I, of course, never knew that the Athlon distributed at Stuckey”s in Alabama had a different cover than the one at my local K&B.

Such a shameless way to move magazines. I guess that”s what separates the fluffy “annuals” from serious sports journalism outfits like Sports Illustrated.

Wait. Nevermind …

In any case, thanks to the wonder that is the Internet, one no longer has to visit the finest gas stations in the South to see what angles Athlon is pimping for its regional covers. Let”s review:

The LSU cover above says the Tigers are “on the prowl” and that the SEC West is “looking up” at LSU. OK, I get it - “prowl” is what Tigers do and that photo is taken from ground level looking “up” at the players. AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That”s some funny stuff.

Anyway, Athlon does pick LSU to win the SEC West and has us at No. 9 in the pre-season national rankings, so their praise matches their prediction.

Based on hints at their Top 25, I”m guessing Athlon is picking Tennessee to win the SEC East. And, again, their cover hints at that:

It should be noted that this edition is the “Tennessee / Vanderbilt” cover. The tiny man in the bottom-right corner is Vandy”s QB. So it seems Athlon - which is based in Vandy”s hometown - pays just about as much attention to the “Dores as the rest of Tennessee.

North of Vol Country, Kentucky - which it should be noted matched Vandy for the worst record among SEC teams last year - gets a cover of its own in which we learn the team is “clawing back” (into outright ownership of 5th place in the SEC East, I suppose):

The worst teams in the SEC West - Ole Miss and Mississippi State - are forced to share a cover as in-state rivals. Of course, in Mississippi people are used to sharing: outhouses are generally communal; the public schools own a total of five math textbooks that students must all share; and many a Mississippi man shares his love with a cousin and a wife. No, wait, that”s just one girl.

I like the Ole Miss tagline of “Rebels Getting Defensive.” Um, dude, the MSU quarterback is right behind you. You”re going to have to turn around if you want to make a play, son.

And what could be a sadder headline than “Bulldogs on Road to Recovery”?

Maybe “Hogs Back in Bowl Hunt”?

All the talk before the season-ending LSU/Arkansas game last year was about how the pigs would be “bowl eligible” (i.e. wouldn”t have a losing record) if they beat LSU. I guess their goal this year is to not finish 5-6 again? That”s just sad.

Florida”s cover isn”t so depressing, what with talk of “swagger” and all, but it does point out how the Crocs are obviously “returning” from somewhere less fun than “glory”:

At least Florida is seen as having some kind of direction (”glory” is a good place, right?). The South Carolina cover simply tells us who their coach is:

While the Georgia one hints at the size of their players and a likely offensive strategy, but again with no prediction of outcome:

For the Alabama/Auburn book, Athlon followed the standard of “Bama marketing and stuck to small words:

So the Tide is “rising”. Good to know. And you say Auburn is actually going to defend that SEC title? Interesting.

Good News: My Google Web Accelerator says it”s saved me 1.0 hours so far.

Bad News: I”ve wasted at least 10 hours mucking around with Google Maps hacks during that time.

So it turns out the Lee High Class of “85 is having a 20-year reunion, after all.

OK, so that appears to be Lee High in Huntsville, Alabama, not Baton Rouge, Louisiana. But I imagine they have some pretty good losers in their graduating class, too, so it might be fun to hit that reunion.
Besides, it”s closer to Atlanta.