Cap’n Ken’s Homespun Wisdom

With Jennifer Wilbanks having shown up this morning - alive - in New Mexico after she r-u-n-n-o-f-t from her wedding, I now feel OK in letting loose a bit of Wisdom on her.
This girl is freaky looking.

What the hell is with those eyes? Don”t look directly at her!!!
I think the real surprise in the story is that it was her, and not her not-that-good-looking dude, who ran the hell away before the wedding.
And, by the way, I hope Duluth sues her ass to recover all the money they spent looking for her. What a selfish, stupid bitch.

It struck me this morning when I saw the new set of Tom Cruise / Katie Holmes pictures from Rome that this “relationship” isn”t merely some crappy/creepy Hollywood publicity stunt - Katie”s been kidnapped!

Cruise”s people, apparently desperately seeking some kind of relevance for the small man, must have snatched Katie right off of the street. And I think the studios must be threatening to blacklist her if she doesn”t play along for a month or so before the real press begins for their upcoming films.

See, anybody who has an appreciation for Katie knows she”s downright bubbly. Every time I”ve seen shots of her in public, she”s got this huge, natural, fabulous smile on her face. It”s a big part of her personality and her charm.

Witness some TRL appearance:

And when she tones down the smile, it still comes across as natural and warm:

Even out with that would-be-Keanu she was engaged to she could manage to look happy:

But here she is in Rome with Lil” Tom:

Clearly, she”s under duress. There”s no joy in her toothless smile.

And the best she could manage - even with press cameras dead ahead - was this painfully forced smile (which, given how she appears to be mocking the midget”s always-on fake smile, must be a secret cry for help):

Katie in the clutches of the Tiny Scientologist sent me into a flashback of another desperate, formerly-relevant celebrity and his futile attempt to appear meaningful and desirable:

Somebody, please save Katie!

So Katie Holmes is doing Tom Cruise now …

There”s a couple of ways I, as someone actively lusting after Katie (with the wife”s halfhearted approval), can look at this:

1) Ewwwww! Tom Cruise? That little man is gross; I”d not take his seconds.

2) Dude, Tom Cruise is 42. I”m 38. And I”m about 10 inches taller. OK, I”m also about $100 million poorer. But still - it gives a guy hope.

I choose the latter.

Yeah, it was fun watching Aaron Rodgers slip (and slip … and slip … and slip), and as an SEC homer I liked seeing Ronnie Brown and Cadillac Williams going 2/5 (and Marcus Spears at 20 … and 10 SEC guys in the first round), but the absolute coolest thing of the day was Matt Jones getting picked at 21 as a wide receiver.

If you don”t know who Matt Jones is, then you”re not an SEC fan (and I pity you for that). Jones was a quarterback at Arkansas, and he had to be the most exciting player in the SEC over the past few years. He”s a 6″6″ white boy who was more dangerous being chased out of the pocket than he was throwing the ball. Turns out Matt runs a 4.37 40. I knew he was fast, but Jesus.

So knowing he didn”t have the arm to be an NFL QB, he decided to give it a shot at wide receiver. Of course, he hadn”t played the position since his junior year in high school. But his speed and - apparently - ability as a receiver got him picked ahead of most of the actual receivers in the draft: Marks Clayton and Bradley of Oklahoma; Reggie Brown and Fred Gibson from Georgia and 47 other guys who actually played wide receiver in college. Only three receivers, in fact, were picked ahead of Jones.

Did I mention this kid isn”t actually a wide receiver?

Maybe Jacksonville is just stupid or overly dazzled by Jones” speed, but it”s still the coolest story of the day.

One other note on the draft: When Alex Smith was made the No. 1 overall pick by San Francisco, his alma mater - Utah - joined the list of schools which have produced a No. 1 overall pick in both the NFL and NBA drafts. A dozen schools have now done so.

Four schools have produced a No. 1 overall pick in the NFL and MLB drafts, and one has produced a No. 1 overall pick in the NBA and MLB drafts.

But can you name the only school that has produced a No. 1 overall draft pick in the NFL, NBA and MLB drafts?

So I guess the RIAA will be dispatching a team of lawyers to sue horrormaster Stephen King for illegal music distribution.

In his latest Entertainment Weekly column, King proudly admits to downloading (presumably legally) and then redistributing music to friends are relatives:

“I”ve made close to 40 CDs for friends and relatives in the 18 months or so since I discovered this spendid toy [downloading music], and I don”t consider a moment of the time wasted.”

King goes on lament not having the time or resources to freely (and illegally) distribute his favorite tunes to the world:

… here”s the CD I”d send you this spring if I had your address. The bad news is I don”t have your address - or a gazillion blank CDs, for that matter …”

His good news is that we can all download the songs he lists ourselves. And his recommendations will probably help move some 0s and 1s from iTunes and other digital music stores.

But that doesn”t make his nearly 40 acts of unauthorized copyrighted music distribution any less illegal. The RIAA and music industry have been clear that even if the availability of illegal music leads to the kind of discovery and ultimate purchase of more music King is trying to foster, it”s still wrong, it”s still illegal and they will still sue you over it.

Something I forgot on Cali. notes:

If you fly Delta at all, you”re familiar with their boarding zones. Zone 1 is first class, Zone 2 is for SkyMiles people with a bunch of miles, then - as far as I understood - Zones 3 - 8 are for everybody else, and the zones are sections of the plane. The idea being that the zone setup makes boarding more efficient than the groups of rows like they used to have.

So coming out on Tuesday, I was in the back of the plane (Row 47) and was in Zone 3. Sometime during the flight, I glanced over at the guy sitting next to me, who had his boarding pass sticking out of his shirt pocket. And despite being on the same row (and adjacent seat) as me, I could see his was marked Zone 6.

What, therefore, gives? I”ve been flying a whole lot on Delta in the past year, but I”m not Medallion yet (I have 15,000 qualifying miles). Could it be a secret benefit for people like me who are good customers but not Medallion? I suppose maybe it”s by design, but I can”t imagine why they”d do it that way.

Thoughts?