Cap’n Ken’s Homespun Wisdom

I”m so over this whole “massive pain” thing, I really don”t want to continue writing about it. But for all you loyal Wisdom readers concerned about the health of Cap”n Ken, here”s the short roundup:

- After going to the second dentist, who didn”t give me any new meds or whatnot, the jaw pain went away, but it was replaced by massive pressure and pain in the higher part of my head. Imagine the pressure that would build up in your head if someone had fastened a belt tightly around your neck. That”s what I felt like.

- By Tuesday night, this was so painful that my codeine was doing nothing, and despite being on codeine / regular Tylenol, I began running a fever. I agreed with the wife that this was not good, so she actually took me to the emergency room at Piedmont Hospital. Six hours there got me a CAT scan, a refusal to treat the obviously-spreading infection (because it started as a dental problem and they didn”t have a dentist in the ER), and a prescription for Demerol.

- I actually got to sleep a bit Tuesday night thanks to the Demerol, from about 2:30 to 8. First time in 5 nights I got more than about 20 minutes of sleep.

- Went to see my own doctor yesterday, who quickly determined my infection had spread and that my antibiotics weren”t working. And unlike the ER doctor, she was willing to do something about it. A prescription for the ultra-powerful Augmentin and an antibiotic shot in the ass were very welcome at this point.

- After the shot in the ass and two rounds of Augmentin, I actually woke up this morning feeling better. The best news was that I had a headache this morning, because that meant I wasn”t still on a Demerol high. And my face and ear weren”t hurting, which means the Augmentin is doing its fabulous work.

My story up til now.

So I”m not in L.A. tonight, and I won”t be going at all this week. The miracle of antibiotics just didn”t get me in shape enough to hit the road today.

Instead, I made a trip to my Aetna-approved dentist, who I”d talked to over the weekend about the agony and horror of my jaw. This was my first trip to my “primary care dentist” since getting Aetna coverage with the new job last summer.

I don”t remember why I picked this place as my PCD, but I did remember it was up in Tucker by Northlake Mall. I didn”t realize, however, that it”s in Northlake Mall; across from the GNC and just around the corner from Kay Jewelers.

Walking past the cheap-jewelry kiosks and listening to the mall”s Musak, I couldn”t help but be a little uncomfortable at the notion of having my dead, rotting tooth drilled out in a space that probably used to be an Orange Julius.

I didn”t feel much better watching my dentist - whose voice-mail identifies him as “regional vice-president” - personally make copies of my driver”s license and insurance card; nor did the large poster of “Your teeth can look like this [huge close-up of teeth filled with what look like railroad spikes] or this [pearly white fillings]. The choice is yours” make me feel real warm and fuzzy, as I don”t imagine Aetna DMO pays for anything but the apparently lead-based fillings.

So while waiting for my x-rays to be developed, I started the mental exercise:

Do I want these people to drill into my head?
a) it”s possible that the railroad-spike work shown in the poster was done here
b) Jesus Christ my jaw hurts. How the hell long would it take me to get an appointment and get it fixed somewhere else?

DECISION: Let the guy diagnose me and when he says “root canal”, start asking hard questions about their survival rates, what Aetna will pay for and where the hell they got that railroad-spike filling picture.

But when the dentist came in and looked at the x-ray, he asked “so what did this other dentist see, exactly?”

“Um, something like a bulb thing at the bottom of the bad tooth,” I said.

“Nope, it”s all normal. See how all these teeth look the same? You don”t need a root canal. You have gum disease.”

It was at this point that it all began to make sense. My mom suffers from gum disease; a gum infection makes more sense in the whole burning-jaw feeling; and the ongoing symptoms he described fit me to a tee.

So, as it turns out, the mall dentist did a better job than the one dentist in Atlanta that”s open on Saturday.

Now if those damn antibiotics would finally just knock out this infection.

Remember in Fargo when Carl (Steve Buscemi) gets shot in the jaw during the money drop? I feel like I”ve living that for the past 36 hours or so. And yesterday, I was ready for the wood chipper.

What started as an annoying ache in that least-favorite molar Wednesday had mushroomed into a debilitating mass of swollen pain throughout the left half of my jaw by Saturday morning.

Since being diagnosed last year with “micro breaks” in my least-favorite molar, I”ve learned to endure some rather regular but manageable pain back there. But by yesterday morning, it became clear this was something else - something I needed to see a professional about.

After spending a couple of hours unsuccessfully trying to find a dentist in my DMO network (Aetna sucks) that is actually open on Saturday, and then just trying to find any dentist open on Saturday, I finally stumbled across Atlanta Dentist Group thanks to a contextual-search ad they placed on Yahoo! Local.

[editor"s note: My search experience yesterday reinforces the notion that sponsored results in search engines are a great indicator of the value of the site being advertised. If they are going to pay for me to visit there, chances are they have good stuff to offer. I don"t think it"s coincidence that the one dentist in Atlanta open on Saturday is also the only one buying keywords in Yahoo! Local].

Thanks to the very friendly and helpful girl who answered the phone, I was able to get an 11:30 appointment, which was good considering I was planning to jump in front of a MARTA bus around noon.

The dentist didn”t have to do much other than take some x-rays and poke at my least-favorite molar to diagnose the problem: like my soul, the tooth was dead and rotting inside.

The cure? Root canal.

I don”t know who came up with the term “root canal”, but I imagine it was some kind of sadist; maybe Steve Martin”s dentist character from Little Shop of Horrors. Root canal. Not tooth stabilization or anything nice like that. “Root canal” = “trench dug deep in your tooth.” Ugly.

There are two important things to note at this point in the story:

1) My insurance won”t pay for the one Atlanta dentist open on Saturdays to perform the root canal. I”m going to have to go back to my network dentist to get that ball rolling.

2) I”m supposed to leave for L.A. tomorrow morning.

So despite the doctor”s offer to dig out my rotten tooth guts right then and there for a mere $1,000, I left with just a prescription for antibiotics and Tylenol 3.

The good news is that the antibiotics seem to be taking. As of this morning, the pain has retreated to just my least-favorite molar, and its manageable (thanks, codeine!) to the point that I can drink lukewarm liquids and eat mushy food, provided everthing stays in the right side of my mouth.

My hope is that the antibiotics will knock the infection down enough to let me get on that plane tomorrow morning. I have to be in L.A. Tuesday, and the only option I can think of is to push my flight back to Monday night and try to get a root canal tomorrow before I leave, which really doesn”t sound like a good idea.

If I can just get back to where I was Tuesday - rotten tooth dying peacefully in the back of my mouth, I should be OK until I can get back from L.A. and get it dug out.

Wish me luck.

… but I wouldn”t be surprised if it blinds children around Turner Field:

Braves unveil world”s largest HDTV.

You know, I”d like to say this thing doesn”t make me go “Gee, golly, that”s really cool”, but it does. It might actually get me out to more Braves games this year. No word on whether the Braves will start using Turner Field as a pay-per-view venue, but I”d be willing to head over there to watch the Final Four or something in Monster HD.

IMAX theaters in the Carolinas, Georgia and Texas have decided not to show the film Volcanoes of the Deep Sea because it makes references to the connection between human DNA and those of undersea microbes.

There were no protests (that I”m aware of); there was no outrage by Jesus freaks. The theaters apparently decided that it”s not worth the risk of “offending” patrons who believe in creationism, not evolution. Lawyers might refer to this prior restraint.

So is this the standard we can expect here in the South? Something that contains information Christians don”t agree with simply won”t be shown? Are Christians really so delicate that they can”t handle being exposed to information that doesn”t mesh with their beliefs?

Maybe Tom DeLay will introduce a bill banning the volcano film, just to be sure.

The very astute among you may have noticed that Cap”n Ken”s Homespun Wisdom is all of a sudden brand-new this afternoon.