Jesus must be mad at me

I”m heading out to L.A. in a couple of weeks, so I”ve been fishing for things to do while I”m out there.

Tragically, not only is there not shite going on while I”m out there, but my favorite Australian guitar heroine / member of my “I can do her” list – Anne McCue – is playing the Friday and Saturday before I get there. And with Los Lobos, no less.

[editor"s note: The Cap"n has managed to find what is apparently the only photo taken of Anne during the Nashville show I dragged the wife to a couple of months ago. To wit (love that cowboy shirt):]
Anne McCue at Mercy Lounge

Why does Jesus hate me?

[editor"s other note: The only good thing to come from The Cap"n trying to find something to do in L.A. was the most excellent FAQ below, from some joint called The Hotel Cafe.]

These are some frequently asked questions, and some frequently given answers to go along:

Q: Can I ask you a question?
A: Yes.

Q: So, where is The Hotel Café?
A: 1623 1/2 N. Cahuenga Blvd. In Hollywood. 1/2 a block south of Hollywood Blvd on the West side of the street.

Q: What time do you open?
A: 7pm

Q: Is The Hotel Café an all ages venue?
A: Yes.

Q: Do you serve food?
A: Yes.

Q: Do you take credit cards?
A: Yes. MC & Visa.

Q: Do you take reservations?
A: Sometimes.

Q: Do you pre-sell tickets to shows?
A: No.

Q: If I send you a package, can i use Fed Ex or UPS?
A: No.

Q: Regular mail?
A: Yes.

Q: Where can I park when I come to The Hotel Café?
A: Paid parking is ½ a block North on the same side of the street. Street Parking is also available.

Q: I’m playing tonight, where do I park?
A: See above.

Q: I’m playing tonight, where do I load in?
A: Load in through the back door.

Q: I am playing tonight, can my guest list be 50 people?
A: No.

Q: 30 people?
A: No.

Q: 10?
A: Maybe.

Q: 7?
A: Yes.

Q: I’m not on the list, but I am *insert industry related job title here*, can I get in for free?
A: No.

Q: What if I give you my card?
A: No.

Q: It’s a nice card…
A: Yes it is.

Q: So, how about it then?
A: No.

Q: Can I bring in my own beer or wine?
A: No.

Q: What kind of reds do you have?
A: We don”t sell wine.

Q: Do you sell wine?
A: No.

Q: Really, you don”t?
A: No.

Q: Do you sell beer?
A: Yes.

Q: I thought beer and wine normally went together?
A: They normally do.

Q: Then why don”t you have wine?
A: …

Q: Can I get a Vodka Cranberry then?
A: No.

Q: Do you sell liquor?
A: No.

Q: Will you ever sell liquor?
A: Probably not.

Q: Why?
A: Because a liquor license is hard to get.

Q: Can I book bands for you?
A: No.

Q: So, I do this comedy act…
A: No.

Q: Abrah Cadab…
A: No.

Q: Do you have a problem with comedians or magicians?
A: No.

Q: I see on the calendar that you have a few TBAs. Can I have the one on the 15th?
A: No.

Q: The one on the 23rd?
A: No.

Q: Any of them?
A: No.

Q: So, I am from Saskatoon Dink, Canada, and I don’t know anyone in LA, and no one knows me. Can I have a headlining spot at The Hotel Cafe?
A: No.

Q: Can I have a residency?
A: No.

Q: Please?
A: No.

Q: Can I play with a Marshall Half Stack?
A: No.

Q: What if I turn it down?
A: No.

Q: But it doesn’t sound right unless it’s really loud.
A: No.

Q: Do you have a piano?
A: Yes.

Q: Is the piano tuned?
A: No.

Q: Do you have an extra 9 volt battery?
A: No.

Q: Can I smoke in The Hotel Café?
A: No.

Q: Is this The Burgundy Room?
A: No.

Q: Is this The Room?
A: No.

Q: Do you rent rooms by the week?
A: No.

Q: Can I rent a room?
A: No.

Q: Is this even a Hotel?
A: No.

Q: Can you give my CD to Nic Harcourt?
A: No.

Q: Can I have Gary Jules’ phone number?
A: No.

Q: Is Max or Marko here?
A: They might be.

Q: I don’t have a demo, but I’m really good, can you book me?
A: No.

Q: I can play a little right now, sort of an audition…
A: No.

Q: Do you have an open mic night?
A: No.

Q: You should.
A: No.

Q: I am a music reviewer for an online magazine you”ve never heard of. We get 150 unique hits per day… I don”t have a business card, but I would appreciate being on the "House List" every night to photo-review acts that preform at…
A: No.

Q: But I have a camera.
A: So do I.

Q: I run an online music site you”ve never heard of, and we believe yourvenue would benefit greatly from advertising on our site, which stressesthe importance of DIY music. Our ad rates start at…
A: No.

Q: I am playing tonight, can my girlfriend and all of her friends drink
for free?
A: No.

Q: I played tonight, and brought 3 people to see me. Do I get Paid?
A: No.

Q: Does this beer taste funny to you?
A: No.

Q: Is a Stella Artois glass smaller than a pint glass?
A: No.

Q: It looks smaller?
A: Yes it does.

Q: Why is that?
A: Physics.

Q: Can I have a job?
A: No.

Q: How about I just leave my resume?
A: No.

Q: What happened to the pool table?
A: It’s gone.

Q: Do you still have the open jazz jam?
A: No.

Q: Why?
A: Because no one in LA appreciates jazz.

Q: That’s sad.
A: Yes. Yes it is.

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