Cap’n Ken’s Homespun Wisdom

AAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

Texas Tech 43, Cal 31

Yeah, Cal got screwed in the BCS. Texas isn”t a better team.

Just five of the Pac 10 teams qualified for bowls this year. Let”s look at the results so far:

• Wyoming 24, UCLA 21 (Las Vegas Bowl)
• Oregon State 38, Notre Dame 21 (Insight Bowl)
• Texas Tech 43, Cal 31 (Holiday Bowl)

Arizona State plays Purdue in the Sun Bowl today, and USC plays Oklahoma in the Orange Bowl Jan. 4.

So UCLA is upset by Wyoming, Cal is upset by Texas Tech. And the only Pac 10 team to win so far is the one was considered so bad at the start of the year the LSU dropped in the polls after beating them.

Just thought I”d mention that …

Dear Skip:

Do not hire Bobby Petrino. I have no idea if he”s your first choice, fifth choice or whether you”d even offer him a contract, but please just scratch his name off the list and move on.

As I write this, Petrino”s Louisville Cardinals are trailing Boise State by 13 in the Liberty Bowl. But it is not Louisville”s performance in this game that worries me most about Petrino. It”s not his pourous defense (which prompted several “you just can”t do that” comments). It”s not Petrino”s completely mindless decision to fake a punt on his own 19 yard line. It”s not the fact that Louisville fans are so sick of Petrino that they were chanting “L-S-U!” after Boise State scored to go up 10. It”s not even the fact that every decent play Petrino seems to have is a gimmick that would be shut down every time in the SEC.

No, Skip, the most telling sign that Petrino does not belong at LSU was the exchange that occurred on the sidelines between the coach and wide receiver J.R. Russell after Russell screwed up and helped cause an interception. I”ve included several screen grabs of the exchange in case you didn”t get to watch the Liberty Bowl today:

As Kirk Herbstreit said after this scene; do you think Bob Stoops” or Nick Saban”s players would dare get up in their coach”s face like that?

No, Skip, they wouldn”t. And if a player did, that player would not be back on the field, unlike Russell, who Petrino put right back in (he told Jill Arrington at halftime that they “need Russell” in the game).

When Petrino”s name began to emerge as a candidate for LSU head coach, I questioned whether he”s actually proven himself as a head coach at the major college level. What he has proven today (and in the pathetic way he”s managed the whole LSU interview process) is that he absolutely IS NOT the caliber of coach we want at LSU.

Good luck with your coaching search, Skip. But please just drop Petrino now.

So I”m surfing around at lunch, trying to see if the papers in Louisville have any insight on the Bobby Petrino / LSU dance.

And I come across this column:

Bitter, no? Somebody needs to tell the folks in Louisville that their gig isn”t the best in the world. I guess this guy would rather have a mediocre coach and program so there”s no chance he”d leave.

Loyal readers of The Wisdom will no doubt recall that a week or so ago I received a holiday gift from a certain company with which most of my professional life is entagled … a quite nice Movado desk clock, which was ironic considering I”d been mocking Movado watches only a short while back.

Well, I got a call from the mailroom today saying I had a package, and lo and behold it was yet another gift from my friends out west. And this time they were dead right on.

Nestled inside a little gift box was a (logoed) Swiss Army “Sky King” 128MB Flash drive. Really loyal readers of The Wisdom will recall my piece about how cool the the Swiss Bit / Sky King is way back in June.

And, yes, it”s the Sky King, so I will not pose a threat to fellow travelers when I head out to L.A. in a couple of weeks (although the 1/4-inch-long ink pen that pops out of it is very dangerous).

The wife and I both have 512MB PNY Attache Flash drives that I picked up on the cheap a couple of months ago, but there”s something to be said for having a spare 128 Megs hanging on your keychain and always with you.

So thanks to my friends out west. Did I mention how much I like that 350Z?

Houston Nutt is officially out (as expected), Kirk Ferentz is being coy about whether he”s spoken to LSU, Texas gave Mack Brown a new contract, Oklahoma State asked us not to talk to Les Miles (but we did so anyway) and all”s quiet on the Petrino front.

So goes another day in LSU”s hunt for a new coach.

I hope Skip Bertman was watching the Alamo Bowl last night as Miles” Cowboys got completely spanked by Ohio State. Hardly the work of a top-notch college coach, Skip. Please just scratch Miles off the list.

If Mack is locked up with a new deal at Texas, I say our best bet is Ferentz. His vague comments about being contacted by schools and typical “I”m happy here” comments make him seem like a man on the verge of jumping jobs, so we”ll see.

But somehow I see the winds blowing harder toward Petrino.

I”m heading out to L.A. in a couple of weeks, so I”ve been fishing for things to do while I”m out there.

Tragically, not only is there not shite going on while I”m out there, but my favorite Australian guitar heroine / member of my “I can do her” list - Anne McCue - is playing the Friday and Saturday before I get there. And with Los Lobos, no less.

[editor"s note: The Cap"n has managed to find what is apparently the only photo taken of Anne during the Nashville show I dragged the wife to a couple of months ago. To wit (love that cowboy shirt):]

Why does Jesus hate me?

[editor"s other note: The only good thing to come from The Cap"n trying to find something to do in L.A. was the most excellent FAQ below, from some joint called The Hotel Cafe.]

These are some frequently asked questions, and some frequently given answers to go along:

Q: Can I ask you a question?
A: Yes.

Q: So, where is The Hotel Café?
A: 1623 1/2 N. Cahuenga Blvd. In Hollywood. 1/2 a block south of Hollywood Blvd on the West side of the street.

Q: What time do you open?
A: 7pm

Q: Is The Hotel Café an all ages venue?
A: Yes.

Q: Do you serve food?
A: Yes.

Q: Do you take credit cards?
A: Yes. MC & Visa.

Q: Do you take reservations?
A: Sometimes.

Q: Do you pre-sell tickets to shows?
A: No.

Q: If I send you a package, can i use Fed Ex or UPS?
A: No.

Q: Regular mail?
A: Yes.

Q: Where can I park when I come to The Hotel Café?
A: Paid parking is ½ a block North on the same side of the street. Street Parking is also available.

Q: I’m playing tonight, where do I park?
A: See above.

Q: I’m playing tonight, where do I load in?
A: Load in through the back door.

Q: I am playing tonight, can my guest list be 50 people?
A: No.

Q: 30 people?
A: No.

Q: 10?
A: Maybe.

Q: 7?
A: Yes.

Q: I’m not on the list, but I am *insert industry related job title here*, can I get in for free?
A: No.

Q: What if I give you my card?
A: No.

Q: It’s a nice card…
A: Yes it is.

Q: So, how about it then?
A: No.

Q: Can I bring in my own beer or wine?
A: No.

Q: What kind of reds do you have?
A: We don”t sell wine.

Q: Do you sell wine?
A: No.

Q: Really, you don”t?
A: No.

Q: Do you sell beer?
A: Yes.

Q: I thought beer and wine normally went together?
A: They normally do.

Q: Then why don”t you have wine?
A: …

Q: Can I get a Vodka Cranberry then?
A: No.

Q: Do you sell liquor?
A: No.

Q: Will you ever sell liquor?
A: Probably not.

Q: Why?
A: Because a liquor license is hard to get.

Q: Can I book bands for you?
A: No.

Q: So, I do this comedy act…
A: No.

Q: Abrah Cadab…
A: No.

Q: Do you have a problem with comedians or magicians?
A: No.

Q: I see on the calendar that you have a few TBAs. Can I have the one on the 15th?
A: No.

Q: The one on the 23rd?
A: No.

Q: Any of them?
A: No.

Q: So, I am from Saskatoon Dink, Canada, and I don’t know anyone in LA, and no one knows me. Can I have a headlining spot at The Hotel Cafe?
A: No.

Q: Can I have a residency?
A: No.

Q: Please?
A: No.

Q: Can I play with a Marshall Half Stack?
A: No.

Q: What if I turn it down?
A: No.

Q: But it doesn’t sound right unless it’s really loud.
A: No.

Q: Do you have a piano?
A: Yes.

Q: Is the piano tuned?
A: No.

Q: Do you have an extra 9 volt battery?
A: No.

Q: Can I smoke in The Hotel Café?
A: No.

Q: Is this The Burgundy Room?
A: No.

Q: Is this The Room?
A: No.

Q: Do you rent rooms by the week?
A: No.

Q: Can I rent a room?
A: No.

Q: Is this even a Hotel?
A: No.

Q: Can you give my CD to Nic Harcourt?
A: No.

Q: Can I have Gary Jules’ phone number?
A: No.

Q: Is Max or Marko here?
A: They might be.

Q: I don’t have a demo, but I’m really good, can you book me?
A: No.

Q: I can play a little right now, sort of an audition…
A: No.

Q: Do you have an open mic night?
A: No.

Q: You should.
A: No.

Q: I am a music reviewer for an online magazine you”ve never heard of. We get 150 unique hits per day… I don”t have a business card, but I would appreciate being on the "House List" every night to photo-review acts that preform at…
A: No.

Q: But I have a camera.
A: So do I.

Q: I run an online music site you”ve never heard of, and we believe yourvenue would benefit greatly from advertising on our site, which stressesthe importance of DIY music. Our ad rates start at…
A: No.

Q: I am playing tonight, can my girlfriend and all of her friends drink
for free?
A: No.

Q: I played tonight, and brought 3 people to see me. Do I get Paid?
A: No.

Q: Does this beer taste funny to you?
A: No.

Q: Is a Stella Artois glass smaller than a pint glass?
A: No.

Q: It looks smaller?
A: Yes it does.

Q: Why is that?
A: Physics.

Q: Can I have a job?
A: No.

Q: How about I just leave my resume?
A: No.

Q: What happened to the pool table?
A: It’s gone.

Q: Do you still have the open jazz jam?
A: No.

Q: Why?
A: Because no one in LA appreciates jazz.

Q: That’s sad.
A: Yes. Yes it is.