Cap’n Ken’s Homespun Wisdom

My copy of

[editor"s note: In researching this piece, I realized that I never went through with my plan to buy all of the Clash CDs in their "remastered" versions. Among the original albums, I own "The Clash" (US release), "Give "em Enough Rope", "London Calling" and "Combat Rock" on CD, but all of those are in original, non-remastered forms. And I never got "Sandinista" on CD (I have it on LP, of course). Maybe I should get on that.]

I”m sitting at LAX this morning, waiting for my flight home to Atlanta.

Loyal readers of The Wisdom will recall that about a year ago there was an incident here that I call “the LAX meltdown” (I”m Blackberrying this in, so you”ll need to search for that post if you”re not familiar). The meltdown was prompted by the TSA hassling me about my shoes.

Well, it happened again this morning (shoe hassles, not a meltdown).

As I”m coming through security, the guy in front of me goes through with his shoes on, and the machine goes off. He takes his shoes off and goes again.

Then it”s my turn.

TSA Moron 1: “Sir, you might want to remove your shoes.”

Me: “These shoes are fine. I came through Atlanta in them.” (In fact, my super-fly Steve Madden sneaks are my standard airport shoe, because I know they won”t set off the machine)

TSA Moron 2: “It doesn”t matter if they set off the machine. That”s not what we”re looking for.”

Me: (pondering the appropriate reaction for a responsible U.S. citizen fed up with the ridiculousness of airport security but who also doesn”t have his wife along to drag him away from the TSA area and who wants to get home today …)

TSA Moron 2: “You don”t have to remove your shoes …”

Me: “But if I don”t, you”ll search me … (takes off shoes)”

Now, I”m a pretty smart boy, and I know what”s happening here. The fact that the TSA mentioned that I might want to remove my shoes (prompted by the guy in front of me setting off the machine) means that I become “suspicious” if I decline to do so. Fair enough. But what pisses me off is that they won”t tell you that. They are programmed to defend their actions without reason. The TSA attitude is “We”re protecting you, dammit. Don”t question how we do it.”

So it was the exchanges I had after going through the machine that really got me.

Me (to TSA Moron 1): “You know, I came through Atlanta in these shoes, and they didn”t make me take them off.”

TSA Moron 1: “Every city is different.”

TSA Moron 3 (over where you pick up your bags): “Sir, the supervisor can answer any questions you have.”

Me: “I doubt it.”

Me: “Look, I appreciate what you guys are trying to do, but this stuff is ridiculous.”

TSA Moron 3: “The rules vary by city, just like with police departments.”

Me: “But you”re a federal agency! The rules should be the same everywhere!”

TSA Moron 3: “No, they vary by city.”

Me: (grabbing my shoes off the conveyor) “That”s ridiculous.”

I walk over to a chair to put my shoes back on, and I overhear TSA Moron 3 chatting with TSA Moron 2:

TSA Moron 3: “I mean, in some cities, I don”t have to wear a helmet on my motorcycle, but in others I do. That”s no different.”

From my chair, I say in a semi-shout: “But you”re a federal agency!”

He didn”t hear me, and I honestly don”t think he understands why federal rules are different than state or local rules.

And this is the guy keeping us “safe.

The wife and I were up in NashVegas this weekend with three tasks at hand - 1) visit the wife”s granny, who hasn”t been feeling too good; 2) get me introduced to little sister”s new man (I approve) and 3) see Anne McCue at an Americana Music Association showcase Saturday night at Mercy Lounge.

Loyal readers of The Wisdom will recall that McCue is the amazingly cool Australian singer-songwriter-guitar goddess that I caught opening for Dave Alvin out in Hollywood a couple of months ago. I first wrote about her because she was cute and I put her on my “I can-do-her” list of celebrity women because I knew I”d be in the same room as her that night (yes, very piggish thing to do).

I feel really bad about that now. “Hey, a hot Australian rocker chick - I”ll put her on my list!”. As it turns out, she”s an amazing musician who deserves more than my stupid little bit about putting her on “the list”.

In my defense, I recognized how great she is about two minutes into her show at The Troubadour, and I think I”ve redeemed myself over the past two months. I bought her album (”Roll“) at the Hollywood show, I”ve converted the wife into a huge Anne McCue fan, I”ve written about her a couple of times, I”ve told at least half a dozen friends about her, I”ve signed up as a “street team” member at her label”s website and I”ve even exchanged a couple of emails with Anne herself (I know, I”m special).

And we timed this NashVegas trip specifically to catch her at the showcase. The wife, as I mentioned, has become a huge fan, but no matter how many times I make her listen closely to the live-in-the-studio version of Hendrix”s “Machine Gun” on Anne”s album, it”s impossible to get a full appreciation of McCue unless you see her live.

We rolled into Mercy Lounge around 9:45 Saturday night and caught about half the set of a guitar/drum act called “Hosty Duo” from Oklahoma. Entertaining.

Because of conflicting reports about the schedule, we got there in time to see the 10:30 act, which turned out to be Asleep At The Wheel (or as the wife calls them, “Asleep At The Bar”), not Anne. I understand those guys have been around for 30 years and have won a bunch of Grammys, but there”s nothing interesting in their roadhouse boogie, and what the hell are they doing in the second spot of a four-act showcase after all these years?

But we suffered through.

And before Asleep At The Wheel could even drag their stuff off stage, Anne was at work getting set up. You could tell she was determined to make the most out of her 45 minutes in front of Nashville industry types. She was setup and ready to go about five minutes after AATW cleared out.

I dragged the wife up by the stage, right smack-dab in front. I think I was one of the few people in the room who knew what was about to happen.

She comes out wearing a black silk cowboy shirt with red rose detail (nice touch for a Nashville show) and some super-fly rockstar shades, straps on her black Les Paul, sells hello in her Elle McPherson accent and breaks in to the title track from “Roll”. By the second riff, she”s got photographers crowding in front of her, trying to get shots of this little Aussie girl hammering away like Hendrix.

During her all-too-short set, Anne managed to work in time with her lap-steel and 12-string guitars, showed off her songwriting (she played the wife”s favorite - “I Want You Back” - and my favorite - “Tiny Little Song”) and closed with an abbreviated version of “Machine Gun” to make sure nobody forgets her anytime soon.

In a crowd that was probably 90% Nashville music industry types, I saw mouths agape, people shaking their heads in disbelief and lip-read more than one “holy shit” reaction around me (including from the wife). She got an enthusiastic standing ovation from the Americana Music Association president and his gang, who were sitting on the sofas next to the stage.

She sold all of the copies of “Roll” she had brought along, which is a good sign. We picked up her live album, which is her rocking out solo.

I hope the “right people” were in the crowd to help boost her career, and I hope they looked past her lack of crowd play and the one spot where she had to ask Dusty the bass player for the next line of a song. Over the past few months, she”s been going between gigs opening for Heart in the U.S. and club gigs in England and hadn”t played a full-band show since I saw her in Hollywood. She”s working hard, so I can forgive her for being a bit frazzled.

And, yes, she will remain on my “list”. Before we went over to the show, the wife - who”s been feeling just a bit jealous - said I had to take Anne off because she”s too cool. But after it, the wife told me she could stay. I think her comment was something to the effect of “Dude, if you ever get the chance, you have to go for it.

I”m off to L.A. this morning (Hurricane Jeanne notwithstanding), but I saw a piece in The Advocate (the Baton Rouge daily, not the national gay newspaper) this morning that does a good job of exposing the “logic” of the football polls:

I finally had time this afternoon to seek out a map of Hurricane Ivan”s overall path. It”s some crazy stuff.

(click the image to get their full-page view)

It”s almost like Ivan got to Virginia and was like “Dude, I was supposed to go through Florida like everybody else, wasn”t I? Crap, I guess I have to go back.

There”s an ESPN.com piece about TV and college football that finally puts some structure around media bias and why USC is the darling of AP writers, broadcasters and the Average Joe football fan.

According to Loren Matthews, who”s in charge of ABC”s college football programming, the TV guys root for teams who have:

• Broad national appeal
• A major TV market
• Sensational individual players

When a team that meets those criteria starts winning, Katie bar the door … we”ve got a runaway smash!

Or, as Matthews says of USC: “When I say my prayers at night, I include USC in them. But it wasn”t too long ago that I didn”t have much interest in USC. We”re with them win or tie.”

Hmm. The guy in charge of football programming at the network that carries BCS games prays for USC to win? Interesting.

That explains why last year”s Rose Bowl (TV-perfect USC vs. Broad National Appeal, Decent-Sized Market Michigan) was given more play by ABC than the Sugar Bowl (Broad National Hatred, Small Market Oklahoma vs. No National Appeal, Small Market LSU), where the actual national title was decided.

I”m glad we now have a BCS-type formula to apply to college football bias (National Appeal x TV Market Size x Star Power x Winning Percentage).

So here”s this week”s Top 25 teams, based on the Cap”n Ken Bias Calculation Standings (CK-BCS):

1. USC
2. Miami (FL)
3. Ohio State
4. Virginia
5. California
6. Texas
7. Georgia
8. Michigan
9. Florida State
10. Oklahoma
11. Tennessee
12. Florida
13. Fresno State
14. Auburn
15. Maryland
16. West Virginia
17. Utah
18. Purdue
19. Wisconsin
20. LSU
21. Arizona State
22. Minnesota
23. Oklahoma State
24. Louisville
25. Boise State

• The ESPN piece (it”s old, but just came through my RSS reader this morning).