Cap’n Ken’s Homespun Wisdom

Loyal readers of The Wisdom will remember a piece I wrote in late June about the really cool USB Swiss Army Knife.

Well today, Slashdot has a post about a Tech Zone review of the same Swiss USB device. In typical Slashdot fashion, traffic to the linked review has overwhelmed Tech Zone”s servers.

So just remember that as one of the several people who read The Wisdom, you got the scoop on this two months before the millions of Slashdot readers. And Cap”n Ken isn”t so rude as to crash somebody else”s server.

OK, I try to cut the J-School kids running the LSU Reveille a break. Most of them were born when I was in high school, after all.

So when I was trying to find Jessica Pivik”s column online last week (I do believe now that they are purposefully NOT putting it up) and came across the “Staff” page, I made the decision to not mock what is a most-mockworthy page.

But now it”s a fresh week and the mockibility remains. And thus, I mock.

Here”s the new staff page for your review.

“Insert Name Here” serves as both a Staff Writer and the ad rep. I”m sure some of those Louisiana names are misspelled, but there”s no way to prove that (hell, a lot of people in Louisiana don”t know how to spell their own names).

But the best has to be “Jen Bayh, Cheif Copy Editori”. I”m guessing either a) nobody ran this page by Jen or b) Jen is Jessica Pivik”s roommate.

I got emails from two of my LSU sources today that the world”s worst “sex columnist” - Jessica Pivik - is back.

[editor"s note: Jessica is an LSU J-School student who fancies herself to be Carrie Bradshaw. I mocked her often during the spring semester.]

But the funny thing is, her column isn”t posted on LSUReveille.com. Maybe it”s just the ineptness of student newspaper types, or maybe LSU has decided Jessica”s pointless recaps of Google searches are best contained in the physical paper, lest people outside of LSU - such as me - get hold of her crap and mock it.

Fear not, Wisdom readers. For my vast network of operatives swung into action. Below, you”ll find a scanned version of today”s column (click on the image to enlarge it).

Jessica”s leading off the fall semester talking about masturbation. In her column, we learn such important facts as “guys aren”t the only ones who go out with Mrs. Palmer”s five sluttish daughters” and “Two people masturbating together is called mutual masturbation and can be very arousing and safe.”

Enjoy.

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I drove my car to work today. My car - the Maxima - with its five beautiful, manual-driven gears.

See, since the wife and I started our new jobs, we”ve been carpooling. And her Santa Fe - as our “new” car - is the vehicle of choice for the commute, as well as all of our “together” driving. So the Maxima sits alone in the garage all day, begging to be driven.

I didn”t realize how strange it would be to all of a sudden have “my” car sitting there, largely unused. Sure, I take the opportunity to drive it to Ghetto Kroger when I run out for groceries, and when the wife”s out of town it gets used, but I doubt I”ve put 100 miles on it in the past month.

The Maxima is the first car I”ve ever had that I got brand-spanking new. And I”ve now had it longer (5 years, 4 months) than any of my previous rides. In fact, I have a pretty spotty past with cars. To review:

• The Crispy Cutlass: My first car - 1977 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme (bought in 1984 for $1000). Burgundy with a burgundy velour interior. Fabulous. It met its end - and earned its posthumous nickname - after I let Big Head Bubba put a stolen Trans-Am carburetor in it. Tragic.

• The Z: Thank God for Pell Grants - Once in college (fall, 1985), I had a new source of income (grants and student loans) and bought a beat-down 1973 Datsun 240Z for $1500. The thing looked horrible (dusty yellow with rust spots), but absolutely flew. Ten minutes after picking it up, I took my boy Lee out on a nice, flat, empty road and got it up to 135. Nice. The Z took a shot in the right front from an unyielding asshat, and his insurance company paid me $1850 and let me keep my car. I got the radiator fixed at Shorty”s and bought a parts car for $300. That kept the Z running for about two years. It finally just died.

• The Vette: I”ve heard that beggars can”t be choosers. When the Z died (late 1987), I was forced to accept my stepfather”s 1980 Chevy Chevette as a temporary ride. My first “wife” [editor"s note: quotes provided as recognition that this "marriage" never actually existed, at least as far at the Catholic Church is concered] dated me despite my driving of the Chevette. I should have taken that as a very bad sign for the relationship.

• The RX-7: Thank you again, Mr. Pell. When the fall 1988 semester began, I found a black 1981 Maxda RX-7 for sale for $2750. I wanted an RX-7 because that was the car I was planning to get (new) when I got my driver”s license back when I was a spoiled rich kid. I loved this car, and it took me from LSU to Atlanta. Thanks, Rex.

• The hand-me-down: Once we got to Atlanta, the first “wife” wanted a new car (early 1993), so we got her an Accord and I got her car - a hunk of white crap known as the 1987 Nissan 200SX. She”d gotten it new from her rich, raging alcoholic of a father. Apparently he was drinking a lot at the time, because he bought her this instead of the Honda Prelude (great late-80s car).

• Max, Mark I: As expected, the 200SX went down hill fast. By 1995 it was toast (no a/c, interior falling apart, etc.) and I”d had enough. I was still a journalist at the time, and therefore couldn”t afford another new car, so I bought a charcoal-grey 1991 Nissan Maxima for $7000. Ahhhhh. Sure, the thing had 91,000 miles on it when I bought it, but what a car. Leather seats, 5-speed (of course), the same engine as a Z. I put another 100,000 miles on it over four years, and by the time I brought it in to trade, it had - as the salesman put it - “the death growl.” But a great car.

• Max, Mark II: And that brings us to my beloved and now-ignored black 1999 Nissan Maxima SE Limited. I got it new in early 1999. I spent many hours driving around Nissan dealer lots looking for this specific car - black, no leather (because of the Big Brown Dog), 5-speed SE. You would not believe how hard it was to find a 5-speed Maxima in Atlanta. I finally called Troncalli in Decatur and they said they had one. I hustled over there, got the keys from a salesman named James Brown who”d won the dealer sales award for literally 18 months straight and gave it a quick test drive. I came back in, told James I liked the car and what I wanted to pay. He said “fine” and I drove out with it an hour later. I think he sold six cars during that hour.

And now the Max sits in the garage all day. It”s got 119,800 miles on it and has never given me a moment”s trouble. Its starter dying last year was the first mechanical problem I”ve had with it.

Is it wrong that I feel guilty when I leave it parked in the garage?

[editor"s note: I met the great and wonderful Kara just about a week after buying the current Maxima. Great car, great girl. Coincidence?]

OK, so the wife and I went out with friends at The Flatiron last night. While we were waiting on them, I was checking out the “Stuff to know” section of The Flatiron”s new menu. The last line reads:

• No pirates allowed. Seriously.

I didn”t think too much about it until a couple of hours later when my friend says “hey, pirates” and points to the front door (he hadn”t seen the menu). Sure enough, there was a group of three or four guys dressed in pirate getups.

No, they didn”t try to come inside.

Last Sunday I saw one of those little Variety Playhouse fliers over at my pal Edward”s place. It was for a show this coming Sunday featuring Billy Bragg, Steve Earle, Tom Morello (late of Rage Agin” The Machine and now billed as “The Nightwatchman”) and Mike Mills (yes, that Mike Mills). Sounded pretty cool.

“Performing together and separately,” the flier promised. This was one of those quarter-sheet fliers that had space to list the artists, venue, date, time and not much else.

For instance, it didn”t have space to mention that this show is - in fact - part of some political roadshow called “Tell Us The Truth,” which is billed as a “music and education trek that will put issues of media reform, economic and environmental justice and democracy at the top of the American political agenda …” The tour”s website goes on to say “this tour will be the loudest, angriest, funniest and most effective challenge to corporate domination of the public discourse in recent history.”

Cool! For my $21.50 (plus $4.75 Ticketmaster Convenience Charge), I not only get to hear Billy Bragg, Steve Earle, Tom Morello and Mike Mills perform; I also get to hear them and AFL-CIO officials talk about economic and social justice!!

No thanks.

Am I for free trade? Sure, I guess. Am I concerned about the effect the consolidation of media outlets by huge media companies has on the future of free speech? Well, if the wife and I didn”t work for huge media companies, I”m sure I would be.

But that”s beside the point.

If these guys want to do a political tour that hooks people in with musical talent, don”t charge me $21.50 to see it. And if you”re going to charge me $21.50 to see a show, don”t push your damn political agenda on me.

Maybe next Spring I”ll organize a political/music tour that rallies people behind the message that political/musical tours shouldn”t charge $21.50 for tickets. I”ll make a fortune.