Cap’n Ken’s Homespun Wisdom

So apparently the two-for-one Diet Coke deal has been going on for some time. The other day a guy was telling somebody buying a Diet Pepsi she should get a Diet Coke because of the bonus-drink glitch.The fridge next to the generous machine is filled with Diet Coke cans, so I”m obviously not the only one enjoying the bonus.Another guy said he heard the Coke guy on the phone telling somebody about the problem, but so far no change.But now I feel completely absolved. Everybody does it … It”s been going on forever … And the Coke guys don”t seem to care enough to fix it.Ethics test, my ass.

So I fired up NCAA Football 2005 last night and checked out the “Historic Teams”. What do you know? Both the 2003 LSU Tigers and 2003 USC Trojans were among them.

I couldn”t resist playing my National Champion Tigers against the mythical (as in “not real”) “National Champion” Trojans. I couldn”t figure out how to set the venue as the Superdome to mimic the Sugar Bowl the Trojans would have played in if they didn”t have such a weak schedule, so I opted for a home-and-home series.

In Baton Rouge I beat USC 28-21. Not bad, considering this was the very first game I”d played and I had to get used to some new features and controls. Then in Pasadena we had a rematch - I won 52-0, holding the Trojans to under 60 yards of total offense.

Take THAT, Associated Press.

[editor"s note: Cap"n Ken has attempted to write the following piece, concerning a subject - history - that most people find very dull and boring, in a way that you won"t find dull and boring. Please bear with us.]

Today is the 140th anniversary of The Battle of Atlanta. For those of you not intimately familiar with Civil War stuff, “The Battle of Atlanta” refers to the engagement that took place in and around East Atlanta (the broader fight for the city is called “The Atlanta Campaign”).

Somewhere around 5,000 - 10,000 men died within a mile of my house on that day. Think about that for a second. We”ve lost about 900 soldiers in just over a year in Iraq.

In a very real sense, The Battle of Atlanta was the final turning point in the Civil War. If the Yankees had been turned back, chances are Lincoln wouldn”t have been re-elected in November and all those New Jersey refugees now living in Alpharetta would have to be here on passports and work visas.

As is typical here in Atlanta, nearly all of the landmarks of the battle have been paved over. “Bald Hill”, which was the focal point of the battle, is now the intersection of I-20 and Moreland Avenue, and the scene depicted in Grant Park”s famous Cyclorama happened at what is now DeKalb Avenue near Moreland.

The key fight in the battle happened basically at the Flatiron (Flat Shoals and Glenwood), and the spot where Union General George McPherson (the highest ranking officer to be killed during the war) was shot dead is now the intersection of McPherson and Monument Avenues. I guess old George should have realized something was wrong when he saw the McPherson/Monument street sign.

If you dig deep (and I have), you can ferret out a good bit of detail on the whats and wheres of the battle. A couple of cool things that I”ve found:

This is a piece of a map produced for the 100th anniversary of The Atlanta Campaign, showing the positions and movements of the armies (red are the good guys, blue are the Yankees) overlayed on a modern street map. The shaded area is the main portion of The Battle of Atlanta. I guess you have to know something about East Atlanta for this to be significant to you.

This is General Sherman surveying the battlefield after the fighting was done. I”m pretty sure this is at the Union works on Bald Hill. General Sherman, it should be noted, was the first president of LSU. Geaux Tigers.

I don”t really have much of a point in writing about this, other than to observe the anniversary and note the significance of what happened here 140 years ago.

Class dismissed. You can go back to reading about Michael Jackson”s quadruplets now.

After a week of getting two Diet Cokes for a quarter in TNIJ breakroom, my curiousity got the best of me. Was I simply exploiting some kind of Coke-machine programming error (and, as Robin puts it, failing my first ethics test), or is the company sending a subtle message out that they prefer you to purchase non-sugared beverages?

So this afternoon I fed a quarter into the Pepsi machine that sits next to the magical two-for-a-quarter Coke machine and pushed the Diet Pepsi button.

And I got …. one Diet Pepsi.

I guess that shoots the “we encourage employees to drink diet beverages through the use of a subtle rewards program” theory to hell.

OK, so I”m finding out that pretty much everybody at TWMBIC reads The Wisdom. Only a couple of people told me this when I worked there, but now I”ve learned that a ton of people there read it, and have been readers since back in the day when I used to write a lot about TWMBIC.

Of course, back when I got threatened with disciplinary action for my writings (the only thing they could come up with as a “violation” was that I once mentioned the name of an advertiser - even though I have never mentioned the actual name of TWMBIC), I killed all of my old TWMBIC posts.

Then at my going-away thing, one of the bigwigs fessed up to loving my piece about “feet casserole” and generally thinking my TWMBIC observations were hilarious. Another guy there made a reference to “The World”s Most Boring Internet Company”, so I guess he”s a reader, too.

But the absolute best thing is that I now know that the biggest tool of all TWMBIC was reading The Wisdom back when I was mocking him with such joy. And apparently he lobbied to have me fired for it.

AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!

I”m not quite enough of a jackass to re-introduce all of the details that make Mr. Tool so easily identifiable among TWMBIC employees (email Cap”n Ken if you”re really curious), but for the record:

- You are, in fact, a tool. And everybody there thinks so. 
- During a conversation with a bigwig, I once referred to you as “a dangerous combination of arrogance and ignorance”, and that notion was not disputed. 
- People make fun of you - regularly - behind your back.

I also, through my vast network of industry sources, got wind of some pretty interesting hush-hush developments going on at TWMBIC. I”m not at liberty to disclose anything … but the future may be very interesting.

I experienced BJs this weekend (always a good time …), and I came very close to not buying Charmin to fulfill our bathroom tissue needs.
 
Why? Three words:
 
THOSE FUCKING BEARS!
 
Maybe you have no idea what I”m talking about. So let me catch you up …
 
Some time ago, Charmin introduced a new ad campaign featuring these cartoon bears backed by this obnoxious jingle that goes something like “Hey little fella, gotta change your touch … what you thought was enough, might be too much … it”s more cushiony than ever before … Charmin Ultra, less is more.” If you care to, you can torture yourself with the song online. See the link below.
 
I first heard that jingle on Sirius without the visual of the cartoon bears, and just the song itself drove me nuts. Then the wife went off one morning when the commercial came on CNN.
 
Then I pick up a pack of Charmin at BJs, and what”s on the package? The little Charmin baby? No. The big, stupid cartoon bears.
 
[editor"s note: I always thought it was strange that Charmin used babies on their packaging, considering that babies don"t know how to use toilet paper. In fact, if babies did know how to use toilet paper, I might have one by now.]
 
Worse yet, the big, stupid cartoon bears are trying to tell me how much toilet paper I should use. Look, Yogi, I bought this fucking toilet paper, and I”ll use as much as I damn well please. If I want to dry myself off after a shower with fucking toilet paper, that”s my damn business.
 
It”s enough to make a man buy Angel Soft (except that Charmin feel sooooooooooo good).
 
Click the link below to hear the Charmin Bear Indoctrination Song for yourself. NOTE: Cap”n Ken”s Homespun Wisdom is not responsible for irritability, anger, physical pain or emotional scarring which may be associated with listening to this jingle. Consult your physician before listening.
 
Charmin Bear Indoctrination Song