Cap’n Ken’s Homespun Wisdom

Buy the Better Sex DVD at Amazon.com (see below for more sex videos)

OK, there”s an uproar this evening about this 23-year-old female teacher in Florida who was busted having sex with a 14-year old student (once in her SUV while the kid”s cousin was driving around town, no less!).

Is it wrong that my reaction is more “way to go, junior!” than “I can”t believe a teacher would abuse a child like that!”?

If this was a male teacher seducing a 14-year-old girl, I”d be pretty disgusted. But, as a 14-year-old kid, I”d have been king of the world if I were banging a 5″9″, 110lb, blonde-haired, blue-eyed 23-year-old teacher.

from The Smoking Gun

But I saw this in a catalog that arrived at Cap”n Ken”s place today, and I think it”s pretty cool:

Yep, it”s a Swiss Army knife with a 64-meg memory stick added to the usual setup of knife, file, scissors, pen, screwdriver and LED lite.

There”s just something cool about adding the 21st-century “tool” of 64 megs of data storage to everyone”s favorite multi-tasker. They call it the Swiss Bit.

Swiss Army also sells a version - the “Sky King” - that removes the dangerous 1-inch knife, ultra-threatening tiny scissors and buff-you-to-death nail file so you can get onto an airplane with it:

Because, of course, I am a terrorist.

OK, here”s one for the amateur ornithologists in the crowd.

I”m on my way in to work this morning, sitting at a red light (Irwin and Auburn Aves, not that it matters) and I notice this really strange scene over on the sidewalk.

Three birds of the type you often see picking around restaurant patios (not pigeons) were standing around a half-eaten apple. Two of these birds were dusty brown, and one was mostly black. They all appeared to be the same kind of bird, and they were all about the same size.

The black one was furiously picking at the apple as the brown ones just stood there. Every time the black one stood back up with some apple bits, the brown ones would open their mouths like baby birds do in a nest. The black bird would stick his beak into one of their mouths and feed them, then pick at the apple for more.

This went on for the entire time I was sitting at the light. The black one kept working like crazy to feed the brown ones. I didn”t see it save any for itself, and the brown ones had no interest in picking their own apple.

So the question is - what up with that?

The best I can figure - applying human behavior - is that the black one is a dude and the brown ones are ladies. Dude wants some avian lovin”, and the pick/feed move is akin to buying a lady drinks.

But these ladies appear to be just stringing the dude along. They know he”s not getting any (why else would they both take the drinks - I mean apple?) and are happy to act interested for as long as he wants to pick at the apple.

I imagine not long after I left, another - slightly larger - black bird showed up and the brown birds flew off with him, leaving the little black bird with no apple, and no ladies.

In celebration of my pending return to employment at an actual Internet company, I re-started my subscription to Business 2.0 tonight.

It”s always been a great mag (more so before TW bought it), and I was a loyal reader in the go-go days of the Internet bubble. Their 101 Dumbest Moments in Business feature puts the once-great Dubious Achievements issue of Esquire to shame (The original 101 Dumbest Moments in e-Business History from the old TW mag eCompany Now was the perfect capper for the Internet bust).

So I”ll be back on board in just 4-6 weeks. But the question I have is - why are they selling subscriptions for 42 cents an issue?

The U.S. government is looking for a new name for food stamps now that all of the nation”s grocery freeloaders have been switched over to “EBT” cards from the old paper coupons.

Changing the name of the program, the feds say, will help “remove the stigma associated with the coupons”. In other words, let”s do all we can to make sure the people who make you and me buy them groceries don”t have to feel bad about it.

If Cap”n Ken ran the food stamps program, here”s how it would work:

- If you want government assistance to buy your groceries, you have to get a certificate of need. We”ll come over to your house and make sure you actually need the assistance. Have satellite TV? Sorry. A home phone and a cell phone? Nope. Food assistance should be for people who would otherwise go malnourished. If you”ve got a spare $30 a month for a cell phone, you don”t qualify.

- In urban areas, there would be government-run distribution centers where you go to get your free groceries. The government would give you your pick of basic but nutritious foods, maybe some of that stuff the feds pay farmers to grow but not sell. No Cokes, no candy, no potato chips. In suburban and rural areas, you could shop at regular stores, but you”d be limited to the same basic, nutritious foods.

- In order for stores to be reimbursed for the giveaway groceries, clerks would be required to announce loudly “Customer getting free groceries with your tax dollars” whenever a user of the program checks out. And the EBT cards would be bright neon green and the size of a record album. No acting like you”re using your own ATM card when you use it. Stigma? You bet. People should be ashamed to force taxpayers to buy their groceries.

- Every month you would be required to go back to the food-assistance agency to get your EBT card reloaded. You would have to sign an affidavit of ongoing need and you would receive the name and address of a taxpayer. Each month you would have to write a personal thank-you letter to the taxpayer for buying your groceries for you.

OK, so that”s the Cap”n Ken plan. Kind of off the topic of renaming food stamps, but I had to throw it out there.

But the question remains … what should we call Food Stamps now?

Not being the most sentimental of creatures, I let the one-year anniversary of The Wisdom go unremarked upon (June 10). Until now, that is.

Blogger tells me I”ve posted 286 items to The Wisdom, which gives me an average of .758 posts per day. I”m not sure if that”s a lot or a little. I guess it depends on how much spare time a person has on his hands.

And in the spirit of the blog-a-versary, I”ve decided to hand out some awards. I believe I shall call them The Wizzies.

• Biggest traffic grabber: Caught in the Crossfire - I wrote this little bit about the Viacom / Dish Network PR war happening on my television one Sunday. And the next thing I knew, The Wisdom had become info central for the Viacom / Dish war. I think a couple of people who found their way here that week are still regular readers.

• Traffic workhorse: Tiger “Pride”, indeed - My piece on LSU”s recruiting whores ran July 7, 2003, and I still get visitors looking for the chicks whose photos I included. I don”t see a lot of searches for Dustin and Daniel, though.

• Breaking news award: Why didn”t I see this coming? - The Wisdom beat the working Atlanta media to the story of Georgia”s new license plates by a full two weeks.

• Most insensitive anti-Jesus post: No doubt the toughest category to pick in The Wizzies. It could have gone to Pray for the Pope or God (doesn”t) work in mysterious ways, but I think the winner has to be Thank you, Jesus, for keeping the Red Sox alive, which detailed the tough choices Mr. Christ had to make in helping Boston win in last year”s playoffs.

• Most shameless use of hot-chick photos: … and smart, too. I still like that Miss Oklahoma.

• Worst post not written in two minutes or less: Miss Georgia Prisons 2003 - This one was written back in the early days of The Wisdom and was just too obtuse and conceptual. Satire based on the actual photos and unusual body markings of female prisoners. The world just isn”t ready for that.

• Most under-appreciated post: The final Pivik post - Come on, people. What”s a better blog bit than the Cap”n writing Jessica Pivik”s column for her after her run at The Reveille ended? I happen to think it”s a damn-good piece, but it got no comments and apparently was a dud with Wisdom fans.

• Most-dead horse still being beaten: Cap”n Ken”s one-man war against the U.S. Homeland “Security” apparatus.

• Visitor of the Year: It has to be my new French pal Pierre - who came to The Wisdom seeking a free Gmail account and loved it so much he now has a link to The Wisdom on his own (foreign-language) blog. Bienvenue, Pierre!

• Most-dominated Google search: It”s got to be “Jessica Pivik”, because The Wisdom out-ranked Jessica”s own paper after my third or forth column on her. But a close second goes to “Megan Ashford”. I don”t know a Megan Ashford, and I”ve never written about anyone by that name. But I got a search hit for “f*cking megan ashford” and included that in my “Cap”n Ken answers your search questions” bit, and now I”m the No. 1 result for “Megan Ashford”. Go figure.

And finally ….

• Post of the Year: The best eulogy ever - Topical, controversial, anti-Jesus and loaded with f-bombs, it”s also a how-to for conducting Cap”n Ken”s own funeral whenever that day arrives.