Cap’n Ken’s Homespun Wisdom

One of the first stories I saw on CNN this morning was about a girl basketball player named Candace Parker winning the high-school slam-dunk championship (competing against All-American boys). My bullshit meter lit up immediately.

A story I read later in the day mentioned that the competition was set to be shown on ESPN tonight. Sounds like a job for the PVR …

And thus I present Cap”n Ken”s Too-Deep Analysis of Insignificant Events. Tonight”s episode: Lady is a Scam.

I recorded and watched - frame-by-frame, backwards and in slo-mo - the “competition” just now. Let”s compare the girl”s performace and scores to the guys”.

In the first round, our heroine”s first dunk was a basic-as-it-can-be one-hand “dunk” that barely slid over the rim. She scored a 70 (out of a possible 80). Her second was the exact same dunk, except that she passed the ball behind her back during the dribble (not while in the air). That got her a 75.

Here”s an actual photo of her fabulous style:

I”d show you a picture of one of the more-spectacular guy dunks, but apparently nobody took any.

But among the moves and scores for guys in the first round were:

A 360-spin, one-hander: 77
Bounced off the floor; caught; one-hand slam: 71
Bounced off the floor; caught; two-handed pump: 75
Bounced off the floor; caught; two-handed tomahawk: 68
Two-handed slam, touched on backboard first: 71

Each and every dunk made by a guy in the first round was superior in style and execution to the girl”s, but only two of them scored higher than her 75.

Thus, after the first round the girl was in fourth place, having performed two dunks that I could pull off - albeit on the 9″ 10″ goal in the park by the cemetery - back in college.

Then, in the final round (the top four advanced), she did the exact same dunk as her first, and scored a 69. She then did the exact same barely-over-the-rim dunk again, except she came at the rim from the front and got a 75. Her final dunk (you get three in the final round) was the exact same dunk as the one before, except that she put her arm over her eyes for one step during her approach (again, not in the air or anything), and the judges went damn nuts. She got a 79 (the highest score of the night).

Having finished fourth in the first round, she had gone first in the final round. Her 223 points (74.3 average score) was completely undeserved, but not unbeatable (the top two finishers averaged 75 a dunk in the first round).

So the guy who finished third in the first round stepped up - and proceeded to muff two of his dunks (you”re allowed one muff) and put himself out of contention.

Then the guy who finished second stepped up - and muffed two dunks, taking himself out of contention.

Finally, the guy who finished first stepped up - and muffed two dunks, taking himself out of contention.

The guys were forced to try too-difficult dunks to try to compete with the inflated scores given the girl, and each one blew it.

So she won - by default. The judges pumped up her scores because she”s a girl. I don”t think they expected her to win; it was probably meant as a “feel good” move “Aw, isn”t that sweet - a girl made the finals.”

But their tiny little Affirmative Action program backfired. They inflated her performance too much, and the guys who should have won blew it trying to compete with the charity.

Of course, you didn”t see that part on the news. Do a Google News search on Candace Parker dunk and you”ll find headlines such as:

“Women”s Basketball Hits New Heights”
“Parker slams boys to win dunk contest”
“Girl makes giant leap for womankind”
“Dunker leaps over gender gap”

The lead of the ESPN.com story read:

There are moments, stunning indelible moments, that transcend sport, crumble barriers and create icons. … On Monday night, in a cozy high school gymnasium southeast of Oklahoma City, a 17-year-old high school senior named Candace Parker turned in the latest moment.

Jesus tapdancing Christ.

It”s a huge hunk of bullshit, people. But I guess that doesn”t make as good a story.

Researchers at Harvard and UNC have determined that file sharing has only a limited effect on record sales. Their findings, of course, drew quick rebuke from the RIAA (they”re lucky they didn”t get sued, I guess).

But what they found reflects exactly my habits in “illegal” music downloading, and I guess it holds true for others.

Exactly.

I grabbed Jermaine Dupri”s “Welcome to Atlanta” off of Kazaa some months ago, mostly so I could burn it out on a CD and piss off the wife by blaring it as we”re driving around the “hood. But there”s no chance in hell I was buying whatever album it”s on, nor would I have bought the single. Therefore I stole exactly $0.00 from Jermaine and his record company.

I also got a bunch of David Allan Coe”s old X-rated country stuff from Kazaa. It cracks me up, but I wouldn”t have bought it. So Coe”s also out $0.00 thanks to me.

The list goes on an on. If anything, these artists are ripping me off by getting (a very tiny bit of) free publicity every time somebody riding with me or standing nearby gets an earful of a downloaded song.

I arrived home this evening to find the new issue of Rolling Stone in the mailbox. No, Ben “Ice” Affleck was not staring at me from the cover; this was the RS “Immortals” issue.

This is the first of three special issues scheduled this year to celebrate the 50th birthday of Rock & Roll. RS sets the birthday, by the way, as July 5, 1954 - the day Elvis recorded “That”s Allright” at Sun Studios. Sounds reasonable to me.

So “Immortals” sets out to rank the 50 “most important performers in rock & roll history”. They got 55 people who know rock & roll - from David Geffen to Rick Rubin to Pete Townshend to The Edge to Chrissie Hynde - to create a list of the 20 most important figures in rock & roll, then they computed the votes to come up with the top 50.

And all in all it”s a pretty well-done list; certainly much better than anything VH1 has come up with on its “rankings” shows. Here”s the breakout:

1. The Beatles
2. Bob Dylan
3. Elvis Presley
4. The Rolling Stones
5. Chuck Berry
6. Jimi Hendrix
7. James Brown
8. Little Richard
9. Aretha Franklin
10. Ray Charles
11. Bob Marley
12. The Beach Boys
13. Buddy Holly
14. Led Zeppelin
15. Stevie Wonder
16. Sam Cooke
17. Muddy Waters
18. Marvin Gaye
19. The Velvet Underground
20. Bo Diddley
21. Otis Redding
22. U2
23. Bruce Springsteen
24. Jerry Lee Lewis
25. Fats Domino
26. The Ramones
27. Nirvana
28. Prince
29. The Who
30. The Clash
31. Johnny Cash
32. Smokey Robinson and the Miracles
33. The Everly Brothers
34. Neil Young
35. Michael Jackson
36. Madonna
37. Roy Orbison
38. John Lennon
39. David Bowie
40. Simon and Garfunkel
41. The Doors
42. Van Morrison
43. Sly and the Family Stone
44. Public Enemy
45. The Byrds
46. Janis Joplin
47. Patti Smith
48. Run-DMC
49. Elton John
50. The Band

Now, I”m not going to act like I know better than 55 rock “experts”, but I have to take exception with a few things here.

First, dead people got way too much of a boost just because they died young. Hendrix at 6? I wouldn”t put him quite that high given his early exit from this Earth. He had the potential to be top 5, but staying alive should count for something.

Also in the “dead boost” category, see Marvin Gaye, Otis Redding and Nirvana (they must have been Geffen”s No. 1). Great artists, all, but they ended up higher than they would have if they hadn”t kicked it early. And I really take issue with Nirvana being at 27, above The Who, The Clash and The Doors. Sure, Cobain & Co. (thanks to Mr. Geffen) changed the face of rock in the 90s, but was it even for the better? We have them to thank for … what? Incubus? Can you really put Cobain/Grohl ahead of Daltrey/Townshend, Strummer/Jones and Morrison/Krieger?

And death didn”t seem to help Buddy Holly and Janis Joplin. Buddy”s only 12? Sure, he died young, but look at what he did in less than two years. Just three years after the birth of rock & roll, he reinvented it. I say swap him with Jimi (6) and Jimi with Aretha (9) and things are better at the top. And Janis at 46? That”s just wrong, man.

I”ll try hard not to go off about Johnny Cash being down at 31. Obviously, RS pays no respect to country (unlike blues & soul, which place a lot of artists on the “rock” list), so if you judge JC just on his “rock” work, I guess that”s about right.

More random complaints:

- Prince is way too low
- The Clash is way too low
- The Everly Brothers don”t belong in the top 50
- Couldn”t they find two more artists to push Elton John out?
- There”s too many non-”rock” folks (James Brown, Aretha Franklin, Ray Charles, Sam Cooke, Muddy Waters, Marvin Gaye) in the top 20. Like Cash, they belong, but not that high up on a “rock” list
- Willie Nelson should be here

As I mentioned, I think this is a pretty good list. But I”ll give my top 10 for what it”s worth:

1. The Beatles
2. Elvis Presley
3. Bob Dylan
4. Chuck Berry
5. The Rolling Stones
6. Buddy Holly
7. Led Zeppelin
8. The Clash
9. Jimi Hendrix
10. Little Richard

As much as I hate to do it, I”m pulling my “endorsement” of Theida Salazar, a candidate for the Georgia House of Representatives. Loyal readers of the Wisdom will remember that Salazar or someone associated with the campaign found and returned my wallet when it went missing at a Braves game last year.

And although I”m still grateful that I got my wallet and cash back fully intact, now that Salazar has a website up and I know more about the candidate, I have to withdraw my support.
First off, it turns out Salazar is a dude, not a lady. Is Theida a guy”s name? I have no idea, but I”d assumed it to be a woman”s name. That”s not a factor in the withdrawal of my support, but worth noting.

And the fact that Salazar is a Democrat and supporter of unions also wasn”t the main reason I”m withdrawing my support; but he certainly didn”t win points with me there.

What I can”t abide is Salazar”s butchering of the English language, as represented on his website. My impression is that Salazar - despite what seems like a Hispanic name - was born and raised in America, and therefore should have a decent grasp on our language. But here are some gems from Theida”s site:

This is his mission statement. The first sentence makes no sense whatsoever, and he manages to misuse both a comma and the word “were” in the second.

Beware those who use big words to no real effect and don”t know the proper forms of “their”, “there” and “they”re”. And stay far away from people who use the word “effectuate” … twice.

The last bit in the Salazar manifesto refers to Theida”s big idea - Honesty Incorporated. This, according to Salazar”s bio, is what Honesty Inc. (he”s the founder) does:

Sorry, I should have told you to take a Tylenol before reading that.

So, after suffering through Salazar”s site, I feel it”s time to effectuate a change in my opinion of Theida - post haste.

I do still have him or a staffer of his to thank for returning my wallet. So thanks, Theida. And good luck with Honesty Incorporated.

But you”re an idiot.

I owe you Wisdom fans a payoff on my hunt for frames for two LSU National Championship pieces I picked up last month. If you recall from my first piece, Michael”s wanted a total of $325 to frame a front-page poster from The Advocate (The Baton Rouge daily, not the national gay newspaper) and a Sugar Bowl print.

And that was Michael”s “50% off” “sale” price. They wanted me to believe I”d normally pay $650 to frame this stuff.

Of course, I passed on this deal and turned to my friend, the Internet, for a better solution.

I ended up finding Frames by Mail, a site specializing in custom frames at affordable prices. I just picked out my frames, entered the dimensions and in a couple of clicks I had an order in.

A week or so later, the frames (already assembled) arrived at my door. I unpacked them, stripped the backing off the plexiglass pieces and put my prints inside.

They look good.

And the price? Just $71.27 for both frames, including FedEx delivery.

Take that, Michael”s.

Over the past two months, I”ve managed to earn 15 credits at iTunes from the Pepsi free download giveaway. This gift of music would mark an important milestone in my life; the first music I would purchase in purely digital form.

I began to think back to the other music-purchase milestones in my life. And here”s the ugly truth:

• First record - Ray Stevens” “The Streak”. My dad went to college with Ray Stevens here in Atlanta, and I”d known about him because of that. When The Streak hit big when I was 7 or so, I had to have it.

• First album - Bill Joel”s “Glass Houses”. Yes, I”m ashamed about this, but I”m man enough to own it. At 13, this seemed like pretty good music to me, and “It”s Still Rock & Roll To Me” does have references to skinny ties and punk rock. In my defense, I have two older sisters, and they had nice collections ranging from AC/DC to Kiss to Devo and The B 52″s, so it”s not like I usually listened to lame things like Mr. Joel.

• First album on cassette - I really don”t have an idea what the first cassette I bought was, because our m.o. was to buy dirt cheap blank cassettes and copy our friends” albums. The only pre-made cassettes I remember buying back in the day were Rank & File”s “Long Gone Dead” and Beat Rodeo”s “Staying Out Late with Beat Rodeo”. They must have been on some kind of mega-sale.

• First CD - Elvis Costello”s “My Aim Is True”. I actually bought this CD before I owned a CD player. I was just so impressed that something as cool as Elvis was available on CD. It was also my way of making amends to the musical gods for my initial negative reaction to Elvis when my buddy Dave introduced his stuff to the group. I hadn”t opened my horizons beyond fast and loud at that point.

And so now I”ve hit the latest milestone - the first digital download purchased. I”ve sucked down hundreds of tracks through Napster, Kazaa, etc., but I”ve never paid for one (for the record, I have purchased a number of CDs of artists I first found “illegally” online).

But I realized something as I was in deep thought - determined not to repeat the tragic “Glass Houses” purchase - about this decision: I really didn”t care much about buying a song online.

Personally, I don”t see a lot of value in buying songs online. I”m not a fan of “singles”. If I like a song, chances are pretty good I”m going to like that artist”s whole album, and I”d rather just buy the physical CD (I like liner notes). And if I want to sample a new artist, I don”t believe grabbing a tune through Kazaa is such an evil thing. I imagine the Kings of Leon are happy I downloaded their stuff, which led to me buying both their EP and their LP. I became a fan of theirs directly as a result of “stealing” their stuff online.

But I”ve got 15 credits to burn, so let”s see what kind of stuff I can find for Pepsi to buy me:

• Johnny Cash - “Hurt”. I”m using my first official online music purchase to pay tribute again to The Man in Black. There”s not a lot of music I get emotional about, but if Johnny”s version of Hurt doesn”t affect you, you”re less than human.

• Joe Strummer & The Mescaleros - “Redemption Song”. And the second song serves as a Joe Strummer tribute. “Redemption Song” is released after his death? And he also has a version of it recorded with Johnny Cash released after both of their deaths? I”m starting to scare myself. Let”s move on.

• Dash Rip Rock - “Leave Me Alone (With My Bottle)”. Somehow or another, Dash”s “Ace of Clubs” album made it to iTunes. I”d just like to see the look on my old buddy Bill Davis” face when the 6-cent check from this iTunes sale arrives at his house.

• Jet - “Are You Gonna Be My Girl”. It”s a catchy tune, so for once I”ll make my introduction to a retro-70s throwback band a legal one.
• Anthrax - “Got The Time”. Back in college, I fell asleep on the couch one afternoon with MTV on. I dreamed I heard a speed metal version of Joe Jackson”s “Got The Time” and was freaked out the rest of the day. Turns out I wasn”t dreaming. It”s about time I owned the Anthrax version.

• Kiss - “She”. Kiss” album “Dressed To Kill” was released on my 8th birthday, and when I discovered that a few years later, I always thought it was cool. And “She” is a favorite of mine.

• The Cramps - “Tear It Up”. iTunes has “Songs The Lord Taught Us”, which is again pretty cool. In high school, the record store at the mall had a copy of this, and every time Lee and I would stop in, we”d try to convince them to sell it to us for cheaper than it was marked. They never would, and I doubt they ever sold it (at least not at full price).

That”s 7 of my 15 tracks, and I think enough for tonight. I”m open to suggestions as to how I should spend the other 8.