Cap’n Ken’s Homespun Wisdom

The wife woke me up sometime around 6 this morning to tell me Johnny Cash had died.

Quite honestly, I”ve been expecting to hear this news just about every day since June Carter Cash died four months ago. Seeing Johnny in the Hurt video some months back, it was easy to see, as the wife said, that he “was not long for this world.” He was 70 then, but looked 90. That video felt like an obituary.

And when June - the woman who saved his soul 40 years ago and had taken care of him ever since - died, I knew Johnny couldn”t be far behind.

Johnny doesn”t need me to tell you how important and amazing he was. If you don”t know enough about Johnny Cash to realize why, I recommend an excellent and detailed obituary from The Gate.

I”ll note one thing, however, for you to think about and absorb. Johnny began his career working with Sam Phillips and ended it working with Rick Rubin. If you don”t grasp the meaning of that, I can”t help you.

Other good Johnny reads:

• The Tennessean obit

• Country Music Hall of Fame profile

• Career Highlights on johnnycash.com

So long, Johnny.

P.S. To CNN and everybody else who devoted more time this morning to the death of John Ritter than the death of Johnny Cash:

As the wife mentioned in her blog today, I lost my wallet last night at Turner Field. Best as I can figure, it fell out of my pocket sometime in the last couple of innings. [note: I think I"ve figured out why my $9.99 Gap shorts were on clearance - shallow pockets].

I have a habit of feeling for my wallet when I get up to leave someplace, and when we headed out of the stadium last night, it weren”t there. I was only about 20 feet from my seat, but by the time I made it back, it was nowhere to be found.

So the rest of the evening was spent calling the credit card companies and NetBank to get my cards cancelled. Thanks to the asshat who used one of our cards to buy himself a membership to topblowjobs.com last week, one of our accounts already had a replacement on the way (it was in the mail when I got home today).

This morning I called the Braves” lost and found number and reported my wallet lost. I had very low expectations from the voice-mail system they have to report lost items. But just a couple of hours later, I got a call saying they had my wallet (apparently they had already called my house after looking up my number based on my license).

My wallet was there, along with the credit cards and - amazingly - cash.

So I stopped by The Ted on my way home and grabbed my wallet. A quick inventory showed:

• $33 in cash (as far as I remember, exactly what I had before)

• all six credit cards (no, I don”t use six credit cards; I just have six credit cards)

• my $25 Tower Records gift card

• my $15 worth of MediaPlay cash

• the receipt for the $25 I spent for work at Krispy Kreme Monday

• my driver”s license

… and so forth. Easily a $100+ loss if I don”t get the wallet back.

Then I notice, tucked away behind the cash, a business card. It reads:

“Theida Salazar for Georgia House of Representatives.”

Apparently Theida - or somebody who works for her - found my wallet. It makes sense that a politician is the one type of person who might be expected to return a wallet with all the cash intact. Especially if they have a business card to stash inside it.

It looks like Theida is running for a Cobb County post, so I can”t vote for her. But if she ever moves to Atlanta or runs state-wide, she”s got my vote. For whatever she wants to be.

Thanks, Theida.

First off, let me say that I do not receive any compensation for my extensive list of endorsements appearing in the right rail of Cap”n Ken”s (although I”d sure like to … T.L., your sister should send me some jambalaya).

And among the products endorsed by the Cap”n until now was Britney Spears. Britney”s a Louisiana girl (Kentwood, no less) and - in my estimation - is pretty damn cute. Not yet a woman? Come on. That”s the ass and tits of a woman, friends.

[note to loyal readers: the above mention of "ass" and "tits" alongside Britney Spears is merely a ploy to get more search engine traffic to Cap"n Ken"s.]

Anyhow, I decided sometime over the weekend, after watching parts of that horrible NFL kickoff concert thing (thank you once again, PVR), that Brit is officially over, and I now withdraw my endorsement.

At the risk of referencing one of the most over-referenced phrases of the 21st century, with the NFL thing and that ridiculous tongue swapping episode with Madonna on the MTV VMA awards, Britney has “jumped the shark“.

Struggling to remain relevant in a pop music world that moves faster than white people in the Country Club of Louisiana when Master P buys another house for his crew there, Britney pulled out some weak-ass J. Lo routine for the NFL gig. It was bad, and I think the end of the line is near for young Britney.

I”ve been to Kentwood (the ex-wife”s alcoholic father”s second - of three [and counting] - wife was from there). For anybody from Kentwood to make anything of themselves, much less become a world-reknown multimillionaire pop princess, is quite an accomplishment.

So congrats on that, Britney. Enjoy your money, your homes, and see if you can create a career for your little sister.

And please hang on a while longer. If you stop being a “celebrity,” I”ll have to take you off my list of celebrity women I can screw without the wife getting pissed.

Yes, the news of Georgia”s new, URL-laden 2004 license plate did break here at Cap”n Ken”s. (see Why didn”t I see this coming?).

My piece on the topic appeared August 14, and a Google news search shows the story breaking in the mainstream press more than two weeks later.

So far there has been no outrage from Ray Charles fans, advocates for the poor, Cobb & Gwinnett counties or Georgia Clean & Beautiful (again, see Why didn”t I see this coming?). But wait until the first ones start to appear in 2004.

For further reading and opinion about the tags from the lazy “professional” journalists:

• AJC”s Lane Ranger, Aug 29.

• AP Story, Augusta Chronicle, Aug 30.

• Gainesville Times Editorial, Sept. 2.

ETA for a Business Chronicle story: 6 weeks.

OK, I don”t try to be completely anti-”Christian” here, these things just seem to find me. Case in point: I was looking at LSU”s official site today to see whether a big Tiger freshman - QB JaMarcus Russell - is active, redshirted, or whatever.

So I find his profile page (which is not particularly helpful), and at the bottom there”s a really insightful - i.e. “what”s your favorite video game of all time?” - Q&A with young JaMarcus.

Among the Qs and As:

What is your favorite book?: The Bible
What is your favorite place to visit? Church
If you could meet any one person, living or dead, who would it be? Jesus and Martin Luther King

What a fine, young “Christian” man. Apart from apparently not realizing that Jesus and MLK are, in fact, two people, he sure has a fine, “Christian” heart, doesn”t he?

Elsewhere in the Qs and As:

What is your favorite musical group or artist? R-Kelly
Who is your favorite actor? Martin Lawrence
What is your favorite movie? Run Tel Dat
What CD is in your CD player right now? Young Rollas

R Kelly, of course, is currently facing a total of 33 counts of child pornography in two states for his alleged fondness for videotaping sex acts involving himself and teenage girls. And some - but not all - of his CDs carry Tipper Gore”s “Explicit Lyrics” label.

Martin Lawrence (who”s work includes JaMarcus” favorite movie, correctly titled “runteldat”), is known for his profanity and sex-charged standup routine.

The Amazon.com review of runteldat states “This is surely the dirtiest comedy performance ever released to the general public, but beneath his barrage of profanity, crudeness, and unabashed sexual material, Lawrence gets into some serious truth about life”s trials and tribulations …”

JaMarcus must have misspelled the act he refers to as “Young Rollas”, because Googling that only returns his profile page from the LSU site (and, soon, Cap”n Ken). I”ll assume he”s referring to some underground hip-hop act.

I have no problem with R Kelly (at least until his trials wrap up), Martin Lawrence, foul language, hip-hop, wild sex, crudeness or vulgarity. In fact, apart from hip-hop (I”m a white guy, after all), I endorse all of the above (maybe not the underage videotaped sex, though).

What I do have a problem with are bold pronouncements by “Christians” such as JaMarcus about how much they love Jesus, how important church is, etc. when their real lifestyle completely contradicts all the Jesus talk.

If you love Jesus so gosh-darn much, should your favorite movie be “the dirtiest comedy performance ever released to the general public”?

Ask yourself, JaMarcus, What Would Jesus Watch?

Well, my Bengal Tigers came through in a big way, spanking what must be the worst team in the Pac 10 (Arizona) 59-13. The game was never close, and despite the announcers” cheerleading of Arizona throughout the first half, they just couldn”t hang.

It”s hard to make too much of the game, Arizona being so pitifully awful, but it”s surely a better outcome than, say, only beating MTSU 29-7 or losing to Ga. Tech.

Games I got right:

• Oklahoma over Alabama - if not for a fake punt, Alabama probably comes away with the big upset. But no.

• Miami over Florida - if not for Ron Zook, Florida wins this one. I came real close to actually rooting for Florida (it takes a very, very special circumstance for that to happen) because the Miami thugs are such asshats that they got 15-yard celebration penalties after almost every touchdown. Thankfully for Miami, the Crocodiles have Ron Zook.

• Georgia over MTSU - Dawgs win, but didn”t look good. Clemson lost to Furman, casting doubts over the quality of UGA”s win in week 1.

• Tennessee over Marshall - I came close to picking Marshall for the upset, and they came close to pulling it. Tennessee the best team in the SEC East? Hardly. Florida looks much better, and Georgia looks better, too.

• Kentucky over Murray State - Nothing to see here. Move along.

• Memphis over Ole Miss - My upset special, and the Tigers came through. [side note: if the Memphis Tigers can actually get themselves a live Tiger as a mascot, why do the Auburn Tigers settle for a bird as their mascot?]

• Arkansas over Tulsa - Not much of a test for the pigs, but you have to figure them No. 3 in the SEC West, behind LSU and Alabama.

• Vanderbilt over UT Chattanooga - Go Coms!

Games I blew:

• Auburn over Ga. Tech - I hear even the Tech fans didn”t believe they could win this game. Auburn is as bad as they looked in week 1, it seems.

• Virginia over South Carolina - Way to go, Lou! I think Holtz is much like former LSU hoops coach Dale Brown - he shines when he has so-so players to motivate. I feel ashamed for picking an ACC school over an SEC school.

So week 2 sees me at 9-2 in my picks, and overall 16-5 for the season.

And based on the first two weeks of the season, my pre-season outlook for LSU is leaning toward some changes (I shant make an official change in my prediction, however).

Overall, I think LSU is looking stronger than I would have thought, so that bodes well. I like our chances much more against Auburn (obviously) and Georgia after two weeks, and I”m less confident that we”ll beat Florida. South Carolina looks good, but we”ll see.