Cap’n Ken’s Homespun Wisdom

As the wife said, we”re laid up with some kind of death funk today. So just a quick catchup on the football weekend.

LSU did not fall victim to the letdown syndrome, and beat the snot out of MSU. Seeing Nick Saban blowing his stack and yelling at players when we”re up 34-0 in the 4th quarter is a great thing. We”ve got a week off now before Florida.

I went 5 - 1 in other SEC games, but not one went the way I expected. Kentucky should have beaten Florida; Alabama had Arkansas beat; Carolina and Vandy forced overtime; and Eli & Co. couldn”t out pass Texas Tech.

So 6 - 1 for the week; 33 - 11 overall and 5 - 0 in LSU games.

For about a year and a half, women in Baton Rouge, La., lived in desperate fear of a serial killer. Six women were plucked from their homes, raped and murdered between Sept. 2001 and March 2003.
The fear that gripped the city was unreal. My sister, who lives about a quarter-mile from the scene of one of the killings, actually bought little cans of pepper spray to hand out to my wife, my mother and my other sister when we went down to visit this past spring (the weekend the last victim was killed … so thanks, sis!).

In May, they caught the guy who they think killed the women - oddly enough here in Atlanta.

Anyway, after living through the serial killer nightmare, the female residents of Baton Rouge are, of course, much more careful about their personal security now.

Or maybe not ….

In The Advocate (the Baton Rouge daily, not the national gay newspaper) this morning was a story about a series of incidents at apartments around LSU in which female residents have been waking up to find a strange man either watching them sleep or actually “snuggling” with them in bed.

He calls himself “Steve”.

“Steve” has entered at least nine apartments near LSU in recent weeks while female students were sleeping.

“Steve” sometimes folds the girls” clothes, sometimes makes himself a snack and always either watches the girls sleep or climbs in bed with them for some cuddle time. He”s managed to not raise too much attention because he”s apologetic when the girls wake up and says he thought he was in a different apartment.

He hasn”t - at least so far - tried to rape or murder these girls.

The “Steve” incidents are made possible, apparently, because few of the female residents bother to lock their doors in these apartment complexes.

In fact, the roommate of one of the girls “Steve” snuggled with says most people in their complex have an “open door” policy - they all leave their doors unlocked so friends (and friends of friends) can come and go freely, anytime.

It was only after some of the girls started talking about “Steve” coming over that everyone began to realize this was a recurring thing.

These girls all live less than two miles from the scenes of three of the serial killings. The last of the killings happened just this past March about a mile away.

Now, of course, the girls are buying deadbolts and pepper spray.

Baton Rouge Police were raked over the coals for not catching the killer and not “keeping women safe” for months after it became obvious a serial killer was on the loose in town. So it”s easy to understand this quote from the B.R. Police Chief:

“Did we not learn a lesson from the serial killer investigation to lock the damn doors?”

Sleeping women awaken to “guest”

The L.A. vacation threw the normal posting schedule way off here at Cap”n Ken”s, and I didn”t get out my recap of last week”s football action. And Friday is normally my predictions day, so I”ve decided to split the difference with a special review/preview edition this week.

So for the review:

• LSU downs Georgia - Heckuva game, to say the least. I managed to stay media-free until Monday night and watched it live (to me) on the PVR. I”d picked my boys to win, and they did.

• Florida beats Tennessee - The Vols finally impressed me, taking the Crocodiles to school. I”d picked the Vols.

• Bama loses to N. Ill - Damn Tide. I”d picked them.

• Arkansas beats N. Texas - I got that one right.

• Kentucky beats Indiana - Got this one right, too.

• Houston beats MSU - I didn”t realize just how bad the Bulldogs are. Missed it.

• S. Carolina over UAB - Easy one; I got it right.

• TCU beats Vandy - Also easy; also right.

So for the week, I was 5 - 3. For the year, 27 - 10. LSU picks are 4 - 0.

Now, for Week 5:

After this week, just about every game will matter; as the non-conference foes give way to SEC rivals.

LSU is up in Stinkville to play Miss. St. I”ve come to the opinion that this year”s Tigers will not fold in the easy games, as has been our tendency in the past when we start well. Of course, saying that will likely ensure that we do fold.

But I”m putting real faith in the boys after the Georgia game. We beat State, 31 - 17

Elsewhere:

• Arkansas at Alabama - This will be another week for the Hogs to prove they are as good as they look. Alabama is playing for pride; but I don”t seen the Tide winning this one. I”ll go Arkansas, 34 - 24

• Florida at Kentucky - I think the Crocs will be an up-and-down team all year. They should have beaten Miami, then couldn”t hang with Tennessee. They beat Kentucky, though. I”ll go Crocodiles, 45 - 31

• S. Carolina at Tennessee - After the Florida win, I”m pulling for the Vols in the SEC East. I”d like to meet up with a team we didn”t play in the regular season if we make the SEC Championship. The Vols know they are driving the East now, and they don”t let up here. Vols, 28 - 17

• W. Kentucky at Auburn - The Lesser Tigers still aren”t playing SEC teams (I don”t count Vandy). What a waste of a weekend. Tigers, 10 - 3

• Texas Tech at Ole Miss - The Rebels go out-of-conference for the third week in a row (4th if you count the Vandy opener). I”ll go Ole Miss, 52 - 45

• Georgia Tech at Vanderbilt - A worthless game between worthless teams. Tech, 21 - 10

As mentioned by the wife, I had a bit of a run-in with some federal agents at LAX on Monday morning.

After enduring the ridiculousness of airport security and the TSA on just four or five round-trips since Sept. 11, 2001 (God help me and/or the TSA if I ever have to start traveling for business), I snapped. Here”s how the whole thing went down (the wife makes the encounter sound much too civil):

- Waiting in line to be cleared of any terrorist intentions by the metal detectors, I began my mental checklist: phone in bag, no keys or coins on me, plenty of handsome gray bins to put my laptop in; shoes …. damn. I was wearing a new set of kicks bought in sunny Southern California.

[When we flew out of Atlanta, there was a little black box you could put your shoes on to see if they would set off the detector. A clever bit of customer service to help mitigate the stupid shoe situation. At LAX, however, there were no such shoe checkers. We were running a little early for out flight, so I figured I"d let the detector itself be the checker for my new shoes" usefulness as a terrorist tool.]

- So I get up to the checkpoint, put the bags and laptop on the conveyor and prepare to walk through the detector. The helpful TSA agent manning the human scanner tells me I might want to take off my shoes. I told him I did not think they would set off the machine and asked if I had to take them off. He told me I did not have to take my shoes off.

- Once I get through the detector (without setting it off), TSA dude tells me to step to the side for a pat-down search. I asked why and was told “because you didn”t take off your shoes. We search everybody who has thick soles and does not take off their shoes.” I spent only a few seconds on the “but you told me I didn”t have to take off my shoes” line of reasoning before releasing TSA goon No. 1 from my wrath.

- Enter TSA goon No. 2. Actually a fairly friendly guy. I asked him why I was being searched even though I am 100% certified to be clear of dangerous nail clippers, tweezers, etc. He told me it was TSA policy to hand-search anyone with significant shoe soles who walks through the detectors in such shoes. He said Atlanta was not following the rules if they didn”t search me when I went through in similar shoes, and I guess that”s correct. As he wanded and patted me, I tried to get him to admit that what was happening to me was ridiculous. He seemed to understand this, but would only throw out the government line: “It”s what we”re told to do, sir.” “Absolutely ridiculous, but I know you”re just doing your job” was my reply as I was released from federal custody.

- I thought I had things under control, but seeing the wife getting her patdown while I was gathering my stuff from the conveyor sent me over the edge. As I walked toward the last batch of TSA goons (headed by TSA goon No. 3 - a guy at a desk who must have been a supervisor), I kept repeating “absolutely ridiculous” in a voice loud enough for all the nearby TSA goons to hear.

- TSA goon No. 3 then replies “we”re just trying to keep everybody safe.” Bad move.

- I kept walking, but let off a good tirade about how this “security” does nothing to increase safety; is only meant to make people “feel” safe and is just plain stupid. No. 3 then said perhaps I was stupid.

- I was about 15 feet past No. 3 when he let fly with the “I bet the people on Sept. 11 wouldn”t have thought it”s stupid” line.

- I don”t remember much after that, except that I turned around and got up in the guy”s face and was then dragged away by the wife. I was aware enough of what I was doing to not say anything like “if I wanted to hijack a plane, I bet I have something in my bag that I could use,” but otherwise he”d pushed me into auto-rant mode.

I didn”t get locked up with Robert Blake at LA County Jail, so I consider it to be a successful protest.

And in retrospect, the thing that bothers me most about this TSA “airport security” crap is not the rules about shoes. It isn”t that your grandmother is as likely (if not more likely) to be searched as a Saudi national. It isn”t that we”ve spent God knows how many billions of dollars on a “security” infrastructure in reaction to Sept. 11 when anyone with half a brain knows airliners are the last thing that Islamic terrorists will try to use next time.

No, what”s bothering me most now is that we, the innocent, non-Arab, natural born U.S. citizens, put up with it so willingly.

We buy see-thru luggage to make searches easier. We obediently take off our shoes for fear we might get a patdown. We don”t ask the TSA goons why they pulled an old lady out of line in front of us. We don”t say “that guy looks like a terrorist; search him” when we see an Arab in line. We don”t march on Washington demanding change. Simply put, we don”t complain about it.

I did my part on Monday.

Sunday started at Mel”s Drive-In, yet another Sunset Strip landmark. We got in at the perfect time - not yet a wait, but almost full of people. So good people watching, including a very agitated guy who must be an industry guy who thinks he deserves a no-wait seat (Mel”s saw it differently).

After breakfast, we swung past Tower Records (the historic Sunset Strip location, of course) so I could blow the $25 gift certificate I”d been carrying around since Christmas. Got myself a double-disc collection from The Blasters (have to go with an L.A. act, of course).

From there it was down to the Melrose Avenue commercial strip. Finally a shopping/entertainment district that lives up to the hype. Centered roughly around Fairfax Ave., Melrose is like a Little 5 times 5; block after block of funky/vintage clothes shops, record stores, cool restaurants, etc. I got the makings of my Halloween costume on Melrose today.

We spent a good long time on Melrose, then set our sights on the mountains and the coast.

First, though, we swung through Brentwood to see where Marilyn Monroe died and where O.J. killed Nicole. We found Stephen Spielberg”s and Goldie Hawn”s houses in Pacific Palisades as well.

We took Sunset all the way out to the PCH (Pacific Coast Highway for the simpletons among you), then took a sharp right toward Topanga Canyon. We wound our way through Topanga over to the edge of The Valley, then turned back into the mountains via Mulholland Highway. Man, if you have a couple hours to give to a drive, I highly recommend the Santa Monica Mountains. Hard to describe, but really amazing that so much nothingness can be so close to Los Angeles.

Mulholland eventually brought us back to the PCH north of Malibu; and we drove north a ways to Oxnard (the Oxnard stop was for a bathroom break. NOTE: The only bathroom in Oxnard is at a Mexicali 7-11). Then we came back down the PCH to Malibu; taking special note of the big, expensive houses (for no reason). A stop off at the Malibu Pier brought us almost to sunset (the daily solar event, not the road); and we drove on down to a seafood place to await the solar demise.

The restaurant (and especially its made-from-scratch margaritas) was excellent, and the sun delivered as promised.

By the time we made it back to the hotel, it was almost 9 p.m., making our day almost a full 11 hours of non-stop fun. We packed up, and as I write this we”re packing it in for the night.

The flight tomorrow is at 10:30 local time, and thanks to the Atlas factor, we don”t get home until 7.

P.S. We”re witnessing an odd California dynamic. It”s after 10 here now (post-1 a.m. Eastern), and the Emmys have been on since 8 our time. Problem is, they actually happened beginning at 5 p.m. our time (8 p.m. Eastern). So what we”re watching “live” is actually over, even though it”s pitched to us - the people who are sitting a few miles from where it happened - as being “live”. Jennifer Garner is not up at the podium as I write this - she”s at some afterparty.

Saturday was a driving day; but mostly intown. After an in-room breakfast of Starbucks and pumpkin scones, we headed west toward Westwood Village, the UCLA commercial village. It”s a cool area with plenty of coffee shops and cool architecture (apparently Westwood Village was developed in the late 20s). There are a number of old-school movie theaters, and word on the street is that a whole lot of L.A. movie premieres happen over there.

But Broad Street in Athens or even Chimes Street in Baton Rouge it is not. I guess UCLA kids have enough money to not need cool, cheap record stores and the like.

From there we headed down Wilshire to Santa Monica. The Santa Monica pier and the beach underneath were packed with folks who came out for the Red Bull Flugtag, in which people build “flying” machines and hurl themselves off the pier into the pacific ocean. We couldn”t get close enough to see much of the action, but we checked out some of the crafts in the staging area, and saw the video on the news later. Somewhere in the crowd was emcee Danny Bonneduce.

We hit Santa Monica”s Third Street Promenade afterwards. By far this was the most disappointing part of the trip so far. Third Street is about 3 blocks of old downtown storefronts and whatnot turned into a pedestrian avenue. Sound pretty cool? Well, it might be if they had not leased each and every space to standard mall retailers (Sketchers, Gap, Pottery Barn, you name it). What a wasted opportunity.

[Santa Monica side note: It is illegal for anyone other than senior citizens to use the shuffleboard courts at the Santa Monica senior recreation center.]

After bailing from Santa Monica, we decided to become the worst kind of Hollywood tourists - celebrity hunters. We bought a cheesy Map to the Stars” Homes and - after realizing the paper map was useless as a navigational tool and swinging by the hotel to plug the addresses into MapQuest on the laptop - started some stalking.

First on the list was Britney (of course). She”s actually sold her L.A. house - to Brittany Murphy - but a good thing to see nonetheless. It”s at the end of a tiny road winding up from Sunset Blvd. into the Hollywood Hills. An ugly place, really. I guess she gave up style for security.

Other stalking highlights:

• Halle Berry lives kind of near Britney, also on a tiny street. The wife recognized her house from the news footage of her SUV being pulled out of the garage following her hit-and-run incident.

• We saw the fabulous walls and gates of Madonna, Aaron Spelling and Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston. The city actually makes it illegal to stop in front of the really big celebrity homes. The Pitt house looks really awesome, with kind of an ivy castle effect working.

• We saw the L.A. home of Elvis. Pretty cool place; looks bigger than Graceland. There was a Jettafull of kids gawking through the gates when we drove up; making me believe it must not be the Elvis house. But it was. Props to the kids for respecting The King.

• Anthony Kiedes from the Chili Peppers has to be the coolest star in Hollywood. He lives in this old Hollywoodland (as in underneath the sign) house on this tiny, winding road.

It”s amazing how the streets in the Hollywood Hills are so damn small and the houses are - from the outside at least - so unimpressive. The views, of course, are great. And the hills are the place to be for up-and-coming stars. I”d also imagine more tourists would stalk the stars if they were easier to get to.

After all the stalking, we were pretty well beat (again). So no 3 a.m. Viper Room trips.

Star sightings: Ray Liotta having dinner at a cafe; faux Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones driving a Boxter down Melrose Ave. (good enough faux couple to count as a sighting)

I managed to avoid seeing or hearing about the LSU / Georgia game (and I”m not checking email lest some bonehead wrote me about it). I shant look at newspapers or surf past ESPN today. With any luck, I”ll be able to watch the game fresh on the PVR when I get home tomorrow night.

Today we”re hitting the Melrose Ave. strip (we did a drive-by yesterday, and it looks very Little 5ish) then heading out to the coast. We”ve got the addresses of Malibu homes plotted (Johnny Carson, David Geffen, Axl Rose, etc.) and we”re gonna drive the PCH awhile.

The Emmy awards are tonight, but that”s not our stalking style.