Cap’n Ken’s Homespun Wisdom

Checking the Cap”n Ken Mailbag this evening, I saw a note from a random East Atlantan who happens to live a couple of houses down from the Dutch Pimp house I referenced in one of the house-hunt blogs. Seems he recently moved to the street and was researching at Google. Search for +Stokeswood +”East Atlanta” and my house blog is in the small set of results.

I”m always happy to pick up a new reader, of course. He liked the blog, added some of his own observations of “hood house hunting and closed with this: “I assume you”re the Ken [last name removed] at Bus Chronicle.”

I don”t think I know this guy, but it”s possible. But he didn”t say “I assume you”re the Ken [last name removed] who used to work at the Bus Chronicle”. I left there six years ago. So I”m thinking he Googled the Cap”n.

Of course, my mid-1990s contributions to American business journalism such as “Huge retail center coming to Cumming” and “Bugle Boy likes fit of Henry County site” (disclaimer: I did NOT write these headlines) are important pieces of reportage which are rightfully archived online for the world to discover.

In trying to figure out if I knew this new fan, I went to retrace what would be his likely Googlepath from the Dutch Pimp house to Cap”n Ken”s former persona as a suburban business writer.

The email address for Cap”n Ken included (until this morning), my last name, which is supposed to be a closely-guarded secret around these parts. Thus, I figure my new fan might have searched for +”Ken [last name removed]” +Atlanta, which would serve to limit the results to folks with my name who live in our fair city.

When I performed this search, what was the first result I got? Just my name, home address and phone number. Nothing too personal or anything like that.

Since when has Google become a one-stop shop for throwing out that kind of personal info? Of course, going to an online phone directory return the same information, but there”s something different about going to the world”s largest search engine and having personal info come up when that wasn”t necessarily what you were looking for.

As an example, here”s the result you get when you search for +”Hosea Williams” +Atlanta (I figure Hosey won”t mind revealing his address, seeing as he”s dead now). Keep in mind that I didn”t go to a Google phone-directory page or anything, just keyed in a name and a city on Google”s homepage.

Then I did a little test on Cap”n Ken”s readers and other folks:

The wife? Yep, address and phone number, but at her home in the days before she got hitched to the Cap”n

Charles D? Yep, address and phone number

Tony in Grant Park? Yep, but phone number only

Jason K? Nope, but your now-PETA-unfriendly dad is

Wood Hill Will? Not that I could find (the brother has a real common name, one of the listings could be him at an old address or somesuch)

Tom L, esq? Yep, address and phone number

Edward R? Yep, address and phone number

Ward B, Paul C, Dave P, the ex-wife, the 90-year old guy who lives next door to me, the VP of my department, the dude we”re buying the house from, they”re all in there. Hell, I bet I could get Coffeeshop Dude”s address and phone number if I knew his name.

Because Google is such a common research tool, something really tweaks me about the idea that someone searching, say, for the name of newspaper writer he”s unhappy with to see what else he”s written would end up having the first result be that writer”s address and home phone number.

If you look hard enough, you can find a link in Google that allows you to remove your listing from their results (you”ll need to see how your name and address appear and provide an email address - in itself concerning, so I used an extra one I have). Your results will still appear in Anywho and whatnot, but it won”t be the first result people see if they happen to search for your name and the city you live in on the world”s biggest search engine.

Two months ago, I did a blog about the use of URLs in license plates (www.pointless.url.gov). Tonight, as I”m doing some blog-topic research, I came across a link on the Ga. DMV site that reads “2004 License Plate Design”.

Care to guess what the new Georgia license plates will look like?

Yep, it”s a URL. Seems that in the new millennium it”s more important for Georgia to be in your web browser than on your mind.

By the way, I looked for a press release on the DMV site that explains the change, but there is not one out yet. I imagine a typically idiotic quote from the governor to the effect of “The new license plate designs helps showcase Georgia as a modern, forward-looking state and will let people all across the country know how to find information about the state online.”

And since it seems the news of the new plate may be breaking here at Cap”n Ken”s, let me forecast some possible reactions:

- There will be protests over the removal of “Georgia on my Mind” because Ray Charles is black. Suggested protester quote: “It”s just one more way the white man is trying to push the black man to the sidelines.”

- Advocates of the poor will use the addition of a URL to license plates to push for subsidized Internet access in low-income Georgia communities. Suggested advocate quote: “It”s unfair that someone has to drive around with a web address on their car when they can”t even get Internet access for themselves.”

- Officials of Cobb and Gwinnett will push to change the county-name stickers that go on the bottom of the plate to include their URLs. Suggested government official quote: “People should know what”s available online for Cobb County as well.”

- Georgia Clean and Beautiful will complain that the shading on the top side of the plate makes it look dirty. Suggested tree-hugger quote: “What does it say about our state to have every car in Georgia look grey and dingy?

Very few bits of reality have amused me so much recently as has the fact that Liberia”s new president is named Moses Blah.

Blah sworn in as Liberian president. Change “Liberian” to “American” and I think you have the Washington Post headline from Jan 21, 1977.

President Blah. I like that. Really does seem like an American thing, though. Hard to see a Blah president coming in to lead a place like Liberia. I think Liberia is more suited to having General Disarray run the place.

The phrase “it”s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn”t want to live there” was created for Louisiana. I”m an expert on this topic, having spent 46.7% of my time on this Earth living there (my native state, Georgia, has claimed 36.8% of my resident days, Alabama 13.7% and Tennessee 2.7%).

I actually love Louisiana. The culture is absolutely unique and fascinating, I”ve yet to find a sandwich in Atlanta that matches the poboys sold at gas stations in south Louisiana and I”d put the atmosphere, tradition and sheer fucking fun of LSU football up against any program in the country.

But being from (in the sense that my formative years were spent there) Louisiana is like having an otherwise cool uncle who”s a raging alcoholic and pisses down the basement stairs every time he comes over for dinner. You like him, but would really rather not be around him for long stretches of time.

So part of my daily routine is to read the News section of The Advocate (the Baton Rouge daily, not the national gay newspaper) to see what kind of shit Uncle Louie has gotten himself into now.

Today”s all-too-typical Louisiana headline was “La. leads Southeast in exodus”. That”s hardly shocking. If you”re not a chemical engineer, lawyer, doctor, bartender or construction worker, there are basically no jobs for you in Louisiana.

Today”s story was full of typical “smart young people are all leaving” quotes from demographers and depressing Census reports showing even Mississippi and Arkansas managed to grow from 1995 to 2000 while Louisiana lost 75,000 people.

I did like this demographer quote in particular: “It”s a horrible, horrible, horrible kind of mix of basic demographic trends for any state.” Not just “horrible, horrible,” mind you. It”s thrice horrible.

Anyhow, the thing that really grabbed my attention was a URL The Advocate placed at the bottom of the stories, as online papers like to do. This one was to a site created by the governor”s office to convince people that Louisiana is not, in fact, a shithole. I”ll provide the URL a bit later. You just keep reading …

On the governor”s site there”s a feature called “Louisiana Positives” and the teaser for it reads:

“Louisiana is ranked in the top of class by national ranking agencies and publications in a wide variety of fields such as education, productivity, technology, accountability and generosity. Visit the Louisiana Positives site to read the extended list of good things about the state.”

Never mind that the “site” it points to is actually a PDF file and the fact that interest groups who go out of their way to tell you how great they are (think “Proud to be Union!” or “Democrat and Proud!”) are typically very much down-and-out.

The Louisiana Positives list is 10 PDF pages long and features all sorts of dubious claims to fame for the state, its cities and companies. Among the more amusing:

• The La. National Guard”s high-school-dropout program is the best in the nation (a good thing considering about 40% of kids drop out of high school down there)

• Higher Education in Louisiana is among the most affordable in the country (and Sampos are among the most affordable TVs)

• New Orleans was ranked the 3rd best restaurant town in America (THIRD?? NOLA has the best food in the world, man. Must be the random tourist murders and puke-lined streets holding down the ranking.)

• Louisiana ranked 5th in the percentage of manufacturing establishments with Internet access. (I have no response to that)

• All 7 of Louisiana”s metro areas made the Forbes list of Best Places for Business and Careers. Houma was 33, Lafayette 70, Baton Rouge 110, Shreveport 165 and New Orleans 168 in the large metro category. (What this does not say is that the list ranked all 200 big metros in the U.S. - i.e. No. 1 is the best, No. 200 is the worst - so anything below 100 would be considered the 100 worst cities).

• Louisiana moved from its “traditional 1st or 2nd” ranking in the EPA”s Toxics Release Inventory down to 12th in 1999. (Slogan “Louisiana - now with fewer airborne toxins!”)

I give the governor credit for trying, and I think Mr. Foster has done a lot for the state. But it”s a long, long road to change the way things work in Louisiana and the perception outsiders have of the place. For every new business initiative, there”s a new batch of smart kids leaving, and a new controversy like the “choose life” license plate the state created.

It”s Louisiana, and it”ll always be that way. Unless, of course, you come up with a catchy logo:

The Advocate story: La. leads Southeast in exodus

The governor”s site: http://www.chooselouisiana.com

Downloadable logos for your promotional use

I thought I was going blogless today.

But …

On the drive home, I heard something that spurred me to action. The radio was, as usual, set on WSB AM (they indirectly pay the wife, you know) and Sean Hannity was blabbing away. He had the Alabama judge on who won”t take down the 10 Commandments and he was going on about God and the Constitution, and that got old quick. I almost pressed the CD button to listen to my new Dexter Romweber disc for a third time, but instead I punched radio button 3 and landed on Buck and Kincaid on 680 The Fan.

They have this weekly “happenings” feature with the publisher or editor of Jezebel magazine, whose name is Beth something or other. Jezebel, for those of you who may not know, is a young-person society magazine here in town with a business model that my late friend Scott Rogers once said revolved around putting enough random people in each issue to ensure profitability because each of them would buy a copy.

I own one issue of Jezebel, which happens to have Britney Spears on the cover. This Beth person interviewed her, and one of the photos in the mag was taken over the shoulder of Britney showing Beth in the other chair, big old grin on her face. I think that about sums up the essence of this Beth person.

So Beth is going on about all the best things to do in town this weekend - some event at a club in Buckhead, some other event at some other club in Buckhead, and an event for people who are over 35 at yet another club in Buckhead - and she throws out a recommendation for a band playing tomorrow night - at a club in Buckhead.

The band she was raving about is called Bed Head, and she described them as a “great 80s cover band.” This is her idea of a great live music show.

Now normally, this would bother me a bit, but probably not enough to fire up the laptop and blog on my own time.

However, it just so happens that also appearing live tomorrow night is a band called The Myrtles. The Myrtles are an emo-country band from Baton Rouge who are getting a pretty good buzz in college music circles. Their guitarist also happens to be my best still-living-in-Louisiana friend.

Good music is not appreciated by the masses, I know that. It”s especially not appreciated by the type of people who read (as in “I”m in the magazine!”) Jezebel. The Replacements are called geniuses today, but I doubt they ever sold over 100,000 copies of an album. The now-lame REM will sell out their arena tour, but only about 125 people showed up to see Pete Buck”s excellent side project at Variety Playhouse last year (Pete was selling merch and signing CDs, by the way). Elvis Costello had to beg a record label to put out My Aim is True, which is one of the best records ever made. I could go on. I won”t.

Anyway, people are sheep and most young Atlantans would rather see some shit-ass band play “Come on Eileen” and “99 Luftballoons” than broaden their horizons and take in a fresh, talented band that”s getting good press in the totally-ignored college music world. Fine, that”s reality.

Beth can go on about her weekend recommendations, and she”ll drive the sheep to Buckhead. But for what it”s worth (which is not much):

The Myrtles
Friday, August 8
10 High (underneath Dark Horse Tavern)
Show starts around 9; they”ll go on around 11:30
Tickets: Who knows? I plan to be on the list

editor”s note: this is the fourth and FINAL installment in an irregular series of blogs related to the recent house hunt of Cap”n Ken and his First Mate

The House Hunt
Tonight”s Episode: Woman in the Shadows

If the wife and I didn”t have to drive past the seemingly unattainable house of our dreams to go pretty much anywhere, maybe we”d have forgotten about it.

But we didn”t. And every open house we went to; every email update from jennypruitt.com we received, every new house we saw being scraped out of the dirt just reinforced that no place in the neighborhood suited us like the place just up the street.

The last obstacle for us buying a new house was removed in early July when we got a tenant into our rental condo downtown, so it was time to get serious. We were gonna buy a house this summer, dammit, no matter which house we had to buy.

We came across a builder at one open house who had what I think must be the last decent lot in East Atlanta, so that was promising. Before we went down that road, however, I figured I should close the books on the dream house.

I had very low expectations when I called our dream-home owner - Randy - to see if by chance he wanted to sell his place to us.

“Hey, I”m gonna buy a house, and I”d rather buy yours than the one I”m about to buy” was essentially my opening line. Randy initially said the timeframe still wasn”t quite right and then threw out this interesting tidbit … unprompted.

“Basically, I”m trying to figure out if my wife and I are staying together or splitting up,” said the man who”d never met me 2 minutes into our second-ever phone conversation. “I”m going on a trip in August to figure things out, so call me back after that.”

Come August 11, he”d know the fate of his marriage, apparently. I almost wanted to ask if he was going to tell his wife before he told me.

Randy went on to say that if he decided to split up with the wife, he was going to hang on to the house. I believe his words were “It”s a great fucking house. I know you know that.”

Great. We had to count on the guy who”s been living apart from his wife for 7 months to decide to uproot himself and move away to be with her. I didn”t like the odds. I mentioned to some people that I should call him back and talk about that time I saw his wife sunbathing in their backyard. “Dude, she”s hot! You gotta hang on to that shit!”.

But I didn”t. Needless to say, this was a discouraging development. I began mentally adjusting to the apparent reality that the dream house would not, alas, be ours. I broke the news to the wife, who also was not ready to put much hope in Randy making things work with his lady.

Then the next day, I get a call. From Randy. Seems he wants to talk about a deal.

I can only imagine what changed his mind, but I think maybe it was a conversation that evening with his lady. I envision it going something like:

Randy: Hey, that dude who wants to buy the house called me today. I told him to shag off until I decide whether or not I”m leaving you.

Randy”s Lady: Well, asshat, you know that if you leave me, you”re going to owe me half of that $60,000 we put down on the house and half of the appreciation since we bought it, right?

Randy: Do what, now?

Thus, he calls me back.

Over the next few days, we had an involved email conversation about the current real estate market, Realtors fees, interest rates and things in the DotCom world (he”s employed by a leading online news information service).

I cycled through about 10 periods of thinking we”d have a deal to thinking we wouldn”t (I spared the wife much of this roller-coaster) before I just cut to the chase:

My “I”m tired of this. Here”s my offer” email was met by an “I”ll do it for this much” reply, and we had a deal.

Really. A deal. I couldn”t resist telling the wife over AIM “I think we”re getting the house”. I hear she danced for hours on her desk.

Randy struck a deal with his former Realtor to represent him as a deep discount, and we met at the house on our way out of town that Friday to sign a contract. There was an out clause for either party because Randy wanted to make sure he could find suitable living arrangements before he committed (seems the August 11 deadline for his marriage got moved up).

That weekend, Randy signed a contract on a condo. The deal was sealed.

We close on the house August 27 and will rent it back to Randy for two months while his condo is being renovated. Move in is November 1.

My days are now filled with matters of mortgages, insurance and the like, and our weekends revolve around furniture shopping (we have a lot of space to fill) rather than open housing.

And thus ends the odyssey of Cap”n Ken and the House That Wouldn”t Sell.